love

Have you ever wondered how long you've known how to say the words "I love you."
Do you even remember when you first learned to say it back to your parents. Or when the first time you said it to someone other then your parents or family.
When I first looked up the meaning of love you get three def.:
NOUN;
1.Tender, passionate affection
2. Strong personal likeing
3. Person toward whom love is felt

When I first learned this I was happy first love and all right? It makes me mad though, how gullable guys can make girls feel.

But I don't go by the book deffinition to me the definition of love is when;
All you think of is that one person. Gravity no longer holds you down that person does. When all the hard work you do for is for them. No other person matters but them, you, and family.
The only thing that makes you extremely happy is when you know that he/she is yours. Its when you'd die for the person if that time came. But your living for that person as well.
Its when the only reason why you wake up is for them, you eat and stay healthy for them, you get everything done at/for school or work for them. You sing (horribly) in the shower because your happy to have them in your life.

Ive waited my whole life for someone like that. And that's how I feel about for one person. I don't know if its the same for him but hey ill learn how to move on... Maybe. Ill live a happy life alone if I have to. But hey I live for that person would die for them too.
Life is for him... Him only.

:| well that's all for this post... Type the name (first name only) in a comment if you think youvefound someone just like that.

**Star**

Im going to vent and get this all out Then im done with my whining.

ok so tasha bear told me to not let anything hold this back. Im going to vent.
Im getting this break up and how i really feel off my chest.
Then im done whining.

So even when i say im fine at the moment its easy to tell im not. Im miserable at the moment. Everytime i see some one holding hands with some one or getting a kiss its worse than before. I done just want to decapitate them id liek to see them explode or shredd them to pieces >:|

I also hate it when i look to my friends for support, not to talk about it but for liek a "im sorry" or a hug. Not for when i do try to explain what's happened for them to say "I know how you feel" Or "You'll find some one new, theres other guys."

Look really? No you dont. No one does. They may have gone through something liek what im going through but you dont know HOW i feel about the situation. Im differant from you. And what if i dont want any one else, what if i feel like ive found THE ONE. The one guy i know who'll treat me right with out even trying. What if for once i can see my self growing old with this guy, getting married, spending my life with him? What if i do? I dont want to go off and "find" some one else or "meet some one new"
No i dont. SO stop sugesting i will. because for once in my life. I dont want another bf, i dont want to find some one else.
I want this guy. Ive had my share of crappy relationships. Up until last week our relationship was JUST FINE!!!
I mean it was wasnt it? i was happy i think he was too.

Sigh any way. He has good reasons and i would like to just tell him that maybe we can stay together and just hang out? I mean he doesnt have to sweat the skin off his body just to make me happy. Just knowing he's mine and i can go up to people and tell them hes mine. Im ok with that. That's happy making enough... I just wish he knew that... I guess thats why im venting.
Cause i dont want to cause trouble with him having to feel guilty for doing somethign that makes his life easier, for now.
Not to mention how mucch more awkward it would get when or if i told him. So... i dont know.

I guess thinking that he would want the same thing as i do is why this is so much more harder for me? I guess maybe making it seem like i need ot be baught things or taken places made this desicion of his so much easy. I guess the only reason why i did that was because i wasnt in very many great relationships that i grew up with thats what a good bf does. but then being with him was all i needed.

I was satisfied with what i had.

I feel like im the reason why he broke up with me now... I guess this is why i never wanted to vent this in the first place. I didnt want to end up blaming myself for everything.

Sigh, im bad at venting. All im saying is, stop telling me that theres some one new out there for me. i dont want some one new. i want him. Only him.
he was just perfect for me. I saw myself growing old with him spending the rest of my life with him. I was hopeing maybe that would have kept us together, i mean he was looking for some one like that.. I was looking for some one to finally make me happy with out trying.

My thoughts on this break up still remains in his hands. If he wants me ill be waiting, if he doesnt then, well i guess ive gained a really great friend...

Sigh... So im done venting ill stop ermm ill try to stop being so depressed.

((no promises on valentines day though...))

Thats all.

**Star**

Feelings ~>:| Frustratingly hard to tell

Sunday, i thought maybe it was space he needed.
Monday i thought it was a dream.
Today, i feel like shit for thinking i still had a bf to say I love you too in the morning and before i went to bed.

As much as i know and understand his reasonings....
I miss him...





You know. How am i supposed to write my blogs and express how i feel with out getting every one on my case!? UGH! And with out getting him feeling guilty when he has nothing to feel guilty for. Or making him feel like an ass... UGH!


Can i die now? I mean. i rather die. Just die.
Right now.
Die.
Burn to death.
Drown.
Suffocate.
Suicide.

ANYTHING...
These blogs are supposed to help me with my problem wiht keeping everything bottled up but that doesnt help when all i want to do now is keep this to myself... >:|
I hate today...
I managed to not cry when i woke up, Not cry when i took my shower and a love song came on. Not cry when my MP3 played love songs on the way to school. Not cry when i saw him. Not cry when people talked about their relationships. Not cry when some one tries comforting me. Not cry when i saw the damn table selling plush toys to give to your loved ones on Valentines day (atleast i keep five dollars in my wallet this month) I also managed not to cry when my idiot of a friend AD wouldnt SHUT THE FUCK UP when i finally found the curage to talk to ... him. I didnt even cry when everyone kept talking about him to me....

But i did cry when he asked for the braclett back... Well i mean, i guess i shoould ahve expected it... but... i didnt want that to come. I love the bracelette. I havnt taken it off since i got it... Erm i took it off twice but only because i "needed" to for ROTC soon i just gave up on taking it off.
3 months its been on my wrist. Now... Its going to feel... like i literally have lost everything.

SIgh i need to stop careing so much...
Its just a braclett.... with his name on it. That i havnt taken off since he gave it to me... For 3 months.

Have i mentioned yet that i feel like i have a curse. That soemthing always goes wrong one my end or the guys end of the reationship before or after 3months together....

:/ Am i being dumb? His reasonings are good. We arnt like, NOT, speaking... He's still in my life. And the most releiving fact is that he isnt breaking up with me because he didnt love me..
Mostly with any other person.... id hate the guy.
But, i cant do that. Not with him. I think it'd hurt me more than it would him if i did.



The one thing i hate is when my dad found out today... Because i was asking to hang out with a guy friends house tomarrow with other friends but i needed a ride home, he says, "Wow, already moving on? Isnt it that too soon?" i almost punched my own dad in the face for saying that. No i havnt moved on. I dont want to move on. I dont think i can move on.
When you TRULY fall in love and you know its real... you dont want to do anything. You exsist for that person and you. You may worry about other things but having them in yourlife is im portant just as much,

I mean i still worry about weather or not ill get into college or if ill pass my ... junior year ((i have 25 credits, you need 24 to be concidered a junior)), I worry about how things will turn out for me in the future.
but to exsist is to live for that person. If i could rewind the clock id stop myself from fighting. Id stop myself from asking for so many things.

Sigh... I think maybe im a bit too in love... If thats possible.
Ok no i dont think thats possible and no i dont think im too inlove....
I think im just sad. Sad that i cant talk to him and when some one asks i can say, "hes mine" Sad that i cant look forward to future things to do with him. Even if our plan of doing somehing turns into just sitting on the couch/bed watching tv.
Sad that now that i have a use for the dress he bought me im going to have to endure it alone.


Oh, yea, um January 31st we had a fight over prom. One thing i said out of irritation was "What am i going to do with the dress? i guess ill just have to put it away with the other dresses ill never get to wear..."
I told him im sorry about the whole fight we had... And uhm later the week i found a reason to use the dress. I was goign to Ask him if he'd like to go to the Military Ball with me... I mean he wouldnt HAVE to but it wouldve been nice to get to ask him... Now if i ask him, i think it would be odd.

OK so befor ei find something to make myself cry over im going to shut the hell up and post this damn thing.

**Star**

Even when ive finally won. Ive lost everything.

Even when ive finally won. Ive lost everything.

Well atleast that what i feel like right now.
Those of you who dont know, good.
Those four of you who do know, try to make me smile when i DONT want to smile i might rip your head off :)


It's officiall i have a curse.
Never made it past 3 months.
Never spent a valentines day with any one.

Cant find the words to write this stupid blog.