Feelings ~>:| Frustratingly hard to tell

Sunday, i thought maybe it was space he needed.
Monday i thought it was a dream.
Today, i feel like shit for thinking i still had a bf to say I love you too in the morning and before i went to bed.

As much as i know and understand his reasonings....
I miss him...





You know. How am i supposed to write my blogs and express how i feel with out getting every one on my case!? UGH! And with out getting him feeling guilty when he has nothing to feel guilty for. Or making him feel like an ass... UGH!


Can i die now? I mean. i rather die. Just die.
Right now.
Die.
Burn to death.
Drown.
Suffocate.
Suicide.

ANYTHING...
These blogs are supposed to help me with my problem wiht keeping everything bottled up but that doesnt help when all i want to do now is keep this to myself... >:|
I hate today...
I managed to not cry when i woke up, Not cry when i took my shower and a love song came on. Not cry when my MP3 played love songs on the way to school. Not cry when i saw him. Not cry when people talked about their relationships. Not cry when some one tries comforting me. Not cry when i saw the damn table selling plush toys to give to your loved ones on Valentines day (atleast i keep five dollars in my wallet this month) I also managed not to cry when my idiot of a friend AD wouldnt SHUT THE FUCK UP when i finally found the curage to talk to ... him. I didnt even cry when everyone kept talking about him to me....

But i did cry when he asked for the braclett back... Well i mean, i guess i shoould ahve expected it... but... i didnt want that to come. I love the bracelette. I havnt taken it off since i got it... Erm i took it off twice but only because i "needed" to for ROTC soon i just gave up on taking it off.
3 months its been on my wrist. Now... Its going to feel... like i literally have lost everything.

SIgh i need to stop careing so much...
Its just a braclett.... with his name on it. That i havnt taken off since he gave it to me... For 3 months.

Have i mentioned yet that i feel like i have a curse. That soemthing always goes wrong one my end or the guys end of the reationship before or after 3months together....

:/ Am i being dumb? His reasonings are good. We arnt like, NOT, speaking... He's still in my life. And the most releiving fact is that he isnt breaking up with me because he didnt love me..
Mostly with any other person.... id hate the guy.
But, i cant do that. Not with him. I think it'd hurt me more than it would him if i did.



The one thing i hate is when my dad found out today... Because i was asking to hang out with a guy friends house tomarrow with other friends but i needed a ride home, he says, "Wow, already moving on? Isnt it that too soon?" i almost punched my own dad in the face for saying that. No i havnt moved on. I dont want to move on. I dont think i can move on.
When you TRULY fall in love and you know its real... you dont want to do anything. You exsist for that person and you. You may worry about other things but having them in yourlife is im portant just as much,

I mean i still worry about weather or not ill get into college or if ill pass my ... junior year ((i have 25 credits, you need 24 to be concidered a junior)), I worry about how things will turn out for me in the future.
but to exsist is to live for that person. If i could rewind the clock id stop myself from fighting. Id stop myself from asking for so many things.

Sigh... I think maybe im a bit too in love... If thats possible.
Ok no i dont think thats possible and no i dont think im too inlove....
I think im just sad. Sad that i cant talk to him and when some one asks i can say, "hes mine" Sad that i cant look forward to future things to do with him. Even if our plan of doing somehing turns into just sitting on the couch/bed watching tv.
Sad that now that i have a use for the dress he bought me im going to have to endure it alone.


Oh, yea, um January 31st we had a fight over prom. One thing i said out of irritation was "What am i going to do with the dress? i guess ill just have to put it away with the other dresses ill never get to wear..."
I told him im sorry about the whole fight we had... And uhm later the week i found a reason to use the dress. I was goign to Ask him if he'd like to go to the Military Ball with me... I mean he wouldnt HAVE to but it wouldve been nice to get to ask him... Now if i ask him, i think it would be odd.

OK so befor ei find something to make myself cry over im going to shut the hell up and post this damn thing.

**Star**