I'm no Goddess...

In times like mine all you ever see is celebrities getting together, breaking apart, getting rich, getting famous, going down the hole, then coming out of it. You see propaganda to be perfect. To be flawless. To be the impossible...

But you know what? I'm not perfect. I have flaws, I make mistakes, and I don't JUST make the typical teenager ones... I make mistakes that you'd find in a child and an adult.

I've never been one to trust.
I've always been one to let in close then once too close I push.
I push far away, usually when I do that... No one fights back....

But there's always a first for something...
About this time last year
(August 3rd so I'm a few days away)
I met a guy. Cute, funny, and great with kids.
He walked up to me and asked for my number. Mind you I'm at work.
And I gave it to him. We hung out, we talked, we opened up, we came close.
He stayed around for the 2nd year with out my mom..
He wiped away tears.
He held me close.
He made me smile..

But now i soon realize that the reason why I'm so close to wanting him around.
He's a security blanket.
He's a replacement in the empty part of my life.
He's my best friend, and my lover, he's a father, and a hubby.
I always told myself that i'll never be one of those girls with "Daddy Issues"...
But I did end up that way.


My dad lets me do what I want and when I want so long as I check in every so often, and let him know what I'm doing. Very rarely does she show interest in my life.
If I told him I was going to school, he'd believe me.
If I told him I was going to a friends house. He wouldn't question me.
Soon, the only talks we have is about work or about school.


The guy I met last year, on the 3rd of August... He asks about my life. He asks about friends, and school, and what I did in class. What I want to do in the future, what my plans are. He helps me out and he makes me smile. He replaces the empty-ness of no father in my life. But he doesn't just do that. He's like a lover too. He asks questions and is protective like a father. But he does it cause he cares and loves me. He spoils me like a wife, or a girl friend.


This past week we've done nothing but fight... All it's been is fighting about this, and fighting about that. But it all revolved around one thing....
Me and him aren't exclusive, so cheating doesn't exactly exsist in this thing me and him have...
but theres only one room for a guy his age in my life... and recently I've been doing what I do best...

Push.
Push.
Push.
Push Away.

I push every one away. The ones who get too close. The ones who are able to get closer faster than the ones who've been around longer. Thy scare me.
Because I hate attachment.
(no I don't)
I'm scared of people who get too close. Because I don't know how to keep them there..
I don't know how to not lie to them. I don't know how show them that I care for them...
I'm not used to the love I'm not used to the real caring people.

It scares me...
What scares me the most is how they know when I'm lying.
Or know stuff about me that I didn't even know.


But I wonder if anyone ever thought that I'm so scared of being alone. That I've thought of suicide as a way out.
Or the reasons why its so hard for me to trust.


And now, because I push. Push, Push, Push away...
I'm losing him.
I'm losing everything that has been there for me the most the past year.
The honesty. The love. The Care. The sense of not being alone.
I'm losing it all.
Unless I earn back.


But tell me. How does one learn to not lie to the ones you love?
Or learn to trust them the most now that they're the ones so close to you?
Or to show that you care for them even though you seem to not show that at all?
Or to not be so god damn selfish about everything... ?


I don't know how... I can't even seem to know what I want with out looking at what others want for me.. Or how to be happy with out making everyone else happy, by doing what they want me to do...?


All I know is I am truely happy with him. weather it be because of daddy issues or its for real. All I know is my heart breaks when I'm not with him.
When we fought.
When we're splitting up..
My heart breaks now.
And I don't even know how to begin to fix not only it. But what I've done to cause it.


I need serious help at this point....


I'm no Goddess.
I'm not perfect in anyway.
I make my mistakes, and the ones I regret making I hurt for.
I've made bad mistakes, some are fixable and some are not.
I don't know how bad I've made things. But I just don't want him gone.
I don't want him out of my life.
I need him here.
And I want him to stay...

I'm no Goddess...
I make my equal share, plus probably more, mistakes.
I'm not perfect.
I have my flaws.
And I regret things too.
I have feelings. And I know emotions.
Weather I use them right or not is one of my flaws.

And right now... I seriously cannot afford another loss like you...
I need some help... A push...
A push out of the direction I've chosen this time...

I'm asking for some help... and yet no one can...

**STAR**