Love and 3 thruths

What's the meaning of love? I mean Love could... or couldn't happen; right? Depending on the person there are a million different meanings of love.

Romantic terms:
Love is what I call a phase. Phases are just temporarily habits. So therefore in my mind Love is just temporary and will eventually grow old...
I've felt love before, though, I'm only fourteen I've had one of those perfect relationships before. I was head over heels for this guy, but soon that ended and it didn't exactly end pretty.

Family Terms:
Thats the love that I call eternity. Because, this can last for eternity. There's no end when is comes to having family and loving them.

Friend Terms:
This is what I just plain out call a win-lose situation of love. You win the affection (love) of a friend, and they love ya back (not in that sense) and you have a friend. Though you'll eventually either grow up and get out of touch or you (or your friend) will hurt one another some how and never talk to each other again. Therefore losing a friend. Again a win-lose situation type of love. you win a friend then (eventually) lose a friend.

A quote from a friend:
"...To those reading this there are 3 truths in this world that I have seen numerous times. They are all simple and easy to remember. They take to and come from the heart." -Ace (Via multiple Facebook status updates)

I have quotes in this blog this time. Might take me a while to actually post this one.
I will talk of each truth he posted about...

"The first truth I have come across is that LOVE is not only a GIFT it is also a CURSE."
Ok thats not the full quote, but I need to stop right there. That's true, like supremely true.
"It's simple really there are to many times that I have seen it. If you fall in love you feel all too much happy, but when that person leaves you or cheats on you then what?" -Ace
And again, this is very true. When one falls in love and I mean TRUE love (yes it does exist I believe so that it does) When one falls in love they feel super happy and head over heels for that one special person, too the point of doing anything for them. But really? What happens when they cheat on you? You'd be crushed and feel betrayed. You'll also feel like you won't ever find someone like them ever again...?!

"The second truth I've had to deal with like I did the first one. It is that you can't get something without sacrifice. You get a job you give up your free time and get paid in return. You give your life to the military and in return save millions of lives." -Ace
That is true, and soon i'll also be witnessing this truth. I am turning 15 on May 25th (2010) and will be applying for a job a little after. I'll be giving up my free time for in return I'll be getting paid to work (again)... ((chores do not count!!!)) Or how after high school I plan to go to college, I'm giving up the time to be rid of school for the rest of my life, but in return I get a better education to get me farther in life.
So that is true that you can't get something with out sacrifice.

"The third truth is something I was told by a very wise woman. You have four homes... This is a little different. There is the home where your heart is. The home where your friends are. The home where your family is, and the home where you live. It's as simple as that." -Ace
Ok this is going to be MUCH harder to explain... for me to explain in my terms anyway.. This is all true. (we all should know this by now since i've proven them all already ^^''') The home where your heart is, is literally in your heart. There's a home in your body... You shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your own body. You were born into this world in that body that flesh that soul, THAT SPIRIT. It's the only home that nobody should be ever allowed into because it's your sanctuary, no body else's. The home where your friends are and that's where ever your friends go. The one where your family is, well kind of different in my terms. I don't really like my actual family really (Christine sorry if you don't like this part) because they are all very religious and I can't be that way with them. I just don't believe in that. So the home where my family is is where ever my 2nd family is. And finally the home where you live is always going to change, but its always where ever you live so... Again true. :)

"But there is one more thing that is the FACT of the world and every one knows it. MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND. It's simple and true." -Ace
We all know this is true, like he has said it Its simple and true.

Well sorry for the practical week delay, my first blog with quotes. Very hard and so exhausting.
Have fun reading this and I hope it's really good.
Well thats all for now. And for tonight. See you all to-marrow.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

Ride Warrior and Life Roads

Ever seen that commercial for rides at World's of Fun? I have, I love those commercials they make me smile knowing one of these days I will become a Ride warrior, and in a way we all are our own Ride warriors. Life is a ride; they have their ups and their downs, their lefts and their rights, their smooth and their bumpy moments. Life is an adventure and a ride combined; one road will lead you here another will lead you somewhere else. Choosing a road is difficult, but once you've chosen you can't turn around and make a new decision. If turning around was possible then time travel would be invented.
Life is full of surprises, heart breaks, enemies, fear, love, obstacles, emotions, difficult choices, easy choices, choices, and friendship.
Nobody promised you anything once you were brought into this world, nobody promised that you'd live a life with an easy and smooth road. If someone did then they lied to you because eventually you'll run into an obstacle that you'll have to find away around or through. Life is full of wonders and keeping your eyes shut will just make you miss out on life.
Don't live your life in fear, or solitude, live it to the fullest and live your dream no matter how big or how small it is.
So again, in a way we all are Ride Warriors riding our own little ride called life.
Because life is like a ride;
Ups and downs,
Lefts and rights
Straights and curved,
Smooth and bumpy,
Though it all you'll eventually living a pretty damn good life.
As long as you have;
Hope for yourself, Faith in your heart, Love for each other and Courage to move forward life can throw you a bone and give you surprises, just keep your mind WIDE open and let your imagination run free and Life can be pretty damn good thing to live :)

I have to go, a storm is going on and i want to sit out side and watch the sky before I go to bed.
See you all to-marrow. Love you all.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

What Is On My Mind?

Lately instead of people asking me "What's up?" they normally ask whats going on in my mind...

So what IS going on in my mind? What is on my mind? Want to know? Really?... You do?
Are you sure ;) heh ok...
Well, Monday through Friday 5am till 10pm; what goes on up in this "small" mind of mine is surprising. I think of a lot and most the time when I space off and am into deep thought I don't really remember what I was thinking about.
I get off thought a lot. Like during a test I'll be thinking of what I'd be doing after this class, then I'll end up not remembering the question for the test I'm taking.
Or a friend would be talking and they'd say something slightly cool or odd and I'd start to space out and I'd end up not really paying attention to what they are saying anymore... They eventually realize that I'm spacing and they'd ask if they're boring me and I'd try to explain , but that wouldn't work the damage is already made :/
The things that are most always thought about with me are mainly just;
-Guys
-Certain Guys
-Life
-Clothes
-Plans
-The future
-Stars
-The country
-Friends
-etc.
A lot of things go on at once in my life. My headaches aren't only caused from dehydration and stress, but from all the things going on in my head at once. Emotions fly wild and doors that shouldn't be opened are opened and all those thoughts are flowing out.
At this moment I know what doors shouldn't be open and how some doors should be closed and what thoughts I should have my self controls on. Most my thought flow freely and normally they would. They end up free and wild, but I really don't know why. I used to have control over my emotions and thoughts, now I don't and it's confusing as to why I don't... :/
During the day during certain classes I would think of one thing, during others I'd think of my Boyfriend (Cody), others it would be Xavier, and others it would be on random things at once they mainly happen during my boring classes the random thoughts at once thing.
I normally read or draw to calm my thoughts, but most times they don't even help.
When I try to keep my emotions and thoughts under my control they just get loose and run free. It annoys me because half the time I don't know what to do, and that ends up badly on my be half.
I've had friends tell me to focus on the things I want to think of. Don't get me wrong it works, but with my short attention span and ADD it doesn't work for very long. I end up having free thoughts again and my head aches back then I'm on the edge of tears again. :/
But hey at least I can slightly sort through my thoughts that shouldn't be opened and the thoughts that need to be opened and free when my mind calms with my friend Kyle's technique :)

Well first post of tonight I'll have another here in a few to 10 minutes. Love you all :)
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

Horrible Driver

Not yet 15, and already I'ma kill myself driving.
So my dad let me drive and all, well he let me some what park the car. I had to go around the block twice once to go the right way, the second time to go down the right street to park...
I got the look before you turn right, and the gas and break right... He told me about looking to your right then left then right again then turn left, or look to your left then right then left again then turn right.... :(
I was doing great, I'll admit I was a little too excited. So maybe next time, erm if there is a next time I should calm down a bit.
So any way I was doing fine for a while, but after the 5th turn it went down hill... on the last turn (6th) I over steered and turned to much, and with my ADD I didn't realize this, and not only almost crashed into cars (thanks to my dad I didn't), but I had drove right into the neighbors yard :'( I feel so STUPID!!! I didn't have control of the wheel my dad had taken over to avoid crashing into the other neighbors car. Just to realize we might crash into a tree, then it went hectic. So, now there might not be a next time if it comes to me driving :(
**SIGH** I'm so stupid....

Well thats all for today,
Your Wacky Little Writer(Driver)
Star :/

Apologies to Friends

To all reader's who read my blog...
"Je t'aime tous. Pour lire mon blog.
Merci beaucoup. Comme le mois se termine, merci."
Basically I'm saying thank you for reading my blog, as the month comes to an end I'm very great full.
I know through out my blogs all I've proven to everyone is that I'm a stone cold hearted Bitch. Though i know I am, it's something most of my friends have gotten used to and I'm very great full for them staying friends with me and putting up with my shit.

Xavier,
I'm sorry. For just about everything. I was bitch, and I was an awful girlfriend. It was for the best that we had broken up.
And for making your birthday a living hell, I honestly that all of that had happened some other weekend..

Christine,
Sorry for turning you into the one person I go to and whine to. It's just not right because then I am practically unloading all of my problems on to you.
That's just not fair.

Cody,
I'm very sorry. For practically being the reason why you and Xavier aren't friends anymore. It's not a good reason for me to be sorry to you, but it's a good enough reason for me...
Oh uh, BTW you can call me when ever you want... I can explain charges to my dad.


I know Speaking to friends through a blog is kinda sad, but hey I'll be talking to them on Facebook anyway so. Not really that bad right?

Well I'm in school and the bells about to ring.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

Too Many Topics at Once

life is a cruel Journey. With each step it gets harder or impossible.
It has it's ups and it has it's downs.
You can never have the perfect life it's just not possible.

Today, was a fair day.... This weekend was horrible.... First me and Xavier break up... and then I end up hurting him, something I warned him about I don't know how many times. I also was the reason him and Cody aren't friends anymore. I'm probably the reason why Cody's last chance was used... Betrayal from him or not it was still my fault.
Yesterday and today got a bit better though... Me and Xavier are just going to stay friend and maybe in the future me and him will get back together and try it out again.... Because then we'll be more mature and I'll have my head on straight hopefully. Now it's onto figuring out the other two guys I like... There was 3, but more on this part later...

Music. My mood changer. Right when I was feeling ashamed, and depressed. I listened to Carmell Dansen and I danced to it. Heh, lets just say it's a really mood lifter. :)
And, it kind of stopped me from being half way done with this blog. So music helps me with a lot of mood problems. A lot of the time, though, the mood I'm in I sometimes want to stay in that mood.
The moods half the time I want to stay in are mainly; sad, happy, and angry.
The moods that I never like to stay in are; depressed, frustrated, confused, and irritated.
Depending on the mood I play music to how I want to feel.

Friends give me the best uplifting ever. Especially the ones who actually give me advice. I mean, it's pretty amazing how I went from a social out cast to having all of these amazing friends. I mean I'll admit I still have those friends that really don't help at all and kind of make me feel like shit, but there will always be friends like that no matter what. Though the friends that just make my day are amazing. To name a few theres;
Christine, Vannah, Xavier, Fluffy, Skittles, Ace, Bubbles, Cody, Joel, Sara, Jessica, Ceirra, and a lot more.
They just put a smile on my face when I'm talking to them or I'm by them. A lot of them just have to give me a hug and that's what makes my day. Having friends are the best thing in the world and knowing I actually have them now I cherish it the most... Though it's some getting used to I still cherish it the most and having friends is something I want to keep...

Trust. This weekend Xavier's brother was asking me and Xavier if we trusted each other. Xavier, of course, said he did trust me. Me, well, if y'all knew what I went through you'd understand that I can't exactly trust many people. Especially when I'm dating some one... It's just years of social abuse (emotionally and physically) that had scarred me. Sorry Xavier.

Dating. Well y'all know about the situation between me and Xavier. Well, yesterday we originally agreed on a week for me to decide who I really want to be with.It went from practically 3 down to 2, down to 1, back up to 3, then down back to 2.
At first it was Xavier, Cody, and Joel. Then I decided that me and Xavier are better off as friends. Then I thought well maybe Joel only really truly likes me as a friend. So then it was just Cody, but then I was having second thoughts on Xavier. Then I realized that my friend Josh wanted to go back out with me and I like him still. SO i was battling 3 again. Weighed the Pro's and Con's then realized that maybe me and Xavier should just stay friends. Now the battle's between Josh and Cody... I don't know if either of them will wait for me if I don't choose them... Huh, I guess knowing a guy would wait for me is a fantasy...
(And again Xavier I wasn't planning anything between me and Josh, just the way I had been acting lately I kept thinking you was going to break up with me so I told him give the rest of our relationship 2weeks, but I told him no promises)

Advice. The best Advice my friend Bettijean has ever given me was "Well all guys are just taste testers, eventually you're going to get fed up with the same test and want a new sample until you find the right one." Basically she's talking about boys. Of course. She was giving me the best guy advice ever. Also it's completely true, girls, if you're having guy problems like me right now. Then understand this, if you're still just dating around or are my age and hiving the problems EXACTLY like me well guys are just taste tester's at the moment. You can't exactly fine the one right away. Plus only 10% of the couples married had been together since High School, and well if your out of high school then well you're not going to be part of that 10%.

Well its about midnight and I have school to-marrow.
Good night readers.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

Friends Family Love Drama Lonliness Suicide

FFLDLS:
That's what I feel like right now.
I have amazingly awsome friends, they love me and I love them back, but its 27days until the end of the year and I won't see some of them next year. I just got a social life after 9years of being harrassed and ultimately scarred (emotionally and sorta physically). Elementary and Middle school wasn't great for me, not having many friends then going from a complete loser to a medioker popular chick is a completely HUGE step for me. Though not happy for me, there might be a chance that i might not have as many friends next year anymore.
Ceirra, My best friend at Burke isn't coming to Burke anymore :( (Stupid Millard district being everywhere) :(
Crushes... too many of them >..< what do you expect from a girl who has an natural flirtatious mind???

Ok I'm going to stop ranting about Friends.

Family,
(Hopefully my family doesn't read this)
I AM ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST CONFESSION I'LL EVER MAKE IN MY LIFE...
My dad, Nana, Sister, Brother, Brothers Fiancee, ok basically my whole entire family... They believe in God. They worship, GOT baptized, saved, ETC.
I, on the other hand, just CAN'T ever believe... Just not in my life will i ever believe. I know once my family (if they do read this) reads this they will freak. They think i should be all holy and Jesus is my savior and all that crap. They might say im poossessed by satan and i need an exorsism, my dad might skinnm e alive and give me a huge ASS lecture over how i should believe... I am sorry if i dissapoint anyone. I just cannot come to the right mind and believe some all and powerful being created what we have today within 7 WHOLE fucking days. It's just not right to me, and i'm sorry if i dissapoint any one.
SO yeah, I'm an athiest. BUT don't get me wrong i think there's a place everyone goes to when they die, liek their special happy place. Somewhere where they can be with their loved ones again. And i believe that there are such things called the barder lands. Where lingering souls stay and haunt the living until a open body is with out a sould so they can possess that and live a second life. I know that i'll be one of them :)
So basically my family is an over religious family that make me feel liek the second i tell them that i don't believe in god that i'll be skinned alive and i might have to sit through an exorsism that won't ever happen. :/
So again i'm sorry any family that reads this...

Stoping the rant on Family.

Love is my next subject. Love isn't what i would call that i feel for any boyfriends that i have had. I think i've had deep affection for some of them. but i don't know if i love them until after 3 months. Preston, i slightly loved you. not as much as i thought i would. Tom M. is the only one that i've actually loved until he broke my heart by the 6th, 7th, and 8th month we were together, I couldnt handle the pain so i broke up wiht him and now i have formed the hoplessly STILL in love with Tom club.. So far, that i know of, there are 3 people in that club (that includes me).
Anyway love. Theres nobody really out there that i tru--- scratch that there is BUT i am not telling anyone who HE is... But huge hint its nobody that lives in state and its not Xavier. (sorry people) He is to remain unknown until i can be with him for a periods of time.

Stopping the rant on love.

Drama, 4 words. Too much of it!

Lonliness, not much on that subject concluding that all it is that when im single i feel SUPER lonley. and so on so forth.

Suucide, I will admitt ive thought about it over 2,000,000,000 times. And have attempted it 5 times. Each time someone has stopped me and only once have i stopped myself. i am proud of myself....


(Quick rant on nothing imparticular)
I turn 15 here soon. I'm going to get my permit. Also i'm (hopefully) going to get a job at (Marcus Theatres) Tween Creek Cinema. Once i get a job i'm going to save for a few things, this summer i am changing everything about me.. my look mainly and how i act. then for a while i am going to save MY WHOLE ENTIRE check, though wont be much, for a car. :) I love haveing a plan for my life knowing what i want and knowing if i work hard i'll get it. (See dad i do to listen. i just don't like when you lecture. Love ya)

Well this can summ it up for more than one post for today Love you all readers keep coming back it works when you work it :D that was my poor attempt to recite my moms NA meeting phrase hehe.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

Embarrassing Moments

Ever had an embarrassing moment where you turn crimson red and everyone is laughing BUT you?

I have, I might actually share a few.
Key:
* - Eh so so
** - Beat red
*** - Crimson
!!!**!!! - Unbarible

Embarrassment 1 - ***
One time I was hanging out with some of my friends and it had been raining all day, and was still raining, but we didn't care we stayed out in the rain anyhow. When everyone was leaving it was just me and a few friends out and during this time I had this massive crush on this one boy. Then I had to leave so I gave my friend a hug, but just as I was turning to give my crush a hug, my shoes were slick so, I lost my balance and slipped forward into him causing him to fall backwards into, what do you know, mud. It didn't help that when I fell onto him our lips met and we kissed. I turned beat red. Wait! It gets better when I stood up off of him in the middle of my apology I had slipped and fell into the mud myself, NOW at this point I'm crimson red.

Embarrassment 2 - ***
O.k. vividly you all know Xavier from my previous posts right? Well me and him have the same lunch and all. We sit at the same table along with my "brother" (nicknamed) Fluffy, (nickname)Ace, Jose; and sometimes the people Brian and Dillon, and a few others, but only sometimes. O.k. and maybe some of you nerds out there know the show/game Yu-Gi-Oh! Maybe? No? Yes? Well if you do then a lot of people know that it's a CHILD'S CARD GAME! Yeah, well back to the story. Well I sit at the table in between Fluffy and Xavier (sometimes on Xavier's lap) I think its an embarrassment when I look to my left I see fluffy dueling, then to my right I see Xavier dueling, then straight ahead I see Ace and Jose dueling... Then I hear snickering and all around me I see people STARING straight at OUR table... That's why if you ever go to my school and go to lunch during the second lunch and in the lunch room in the corner closest to the library, you'll see a table of nerds playing a children's card game, and a nerdett (moi) reading zoning out because it's an EMBARRASSMENT seeing my FRIENDS play a CHILD'S CARD GAME as the WHOLE lunchroom WATCHES then and LAUGHS at them and ME for being NEAR them...

Embarrassment 3 - *
Most people wouldn't call this embarrassing but shy. Thats why this is a one star story. So anyway.. me I don't do any PDA. PDA just isn't my thing. It's just weird because people stare they look at me and they watch. It's like they don't have a life. I was never prone to being the center of attention. The closest to me getting with PDA is a slight kiss, hugging, and holding hands.. Everything else to touchy, touchy, feely, feely and making out i just won't cope with it's just something i'd never do. >:| So I guess I'd have to say PDA is embarrassing because of the eyes that glance my way when I'm with my boyfriends.

Cinderella Story REMIX

Girls; remember when you were a small little girl and you used to watch all of those Disney princess movies or been read the princess books? How you used to annoy the living crap out of somebody about how one day you're going to grow up and marry a prince and have a child and saying, "JUST LIKE IN MY BOOK"
Do you girls remember that? I do... Vividly.. and SOMEHOW I feel like that fantasy is still stuck in my head and that any day now I'm going to find my handsome prince and he'll sweep me off my feet and we'll mount onto his horse and ride off into the sunset. Yea, I know, I'm living a fantasy that will never come true. I mean are there any REAL princes any where? And I mean those princes in our storybooks form when we were little. Are there any princes that are like that? No I guess not.

I'm living the life of Cinderella, if any of you were wondering why I came up with this topic. No I don't have a wicked step mother and two awful as fuck step sisters. Plus my dad is still alive. My mom isn't though and I have 3 older siblings. So, yeah. This is Cinderella REMIX! :)
I am odd I know.
But yeah, Cinderellas life started out great right? Then once her dad died it turned to shit... Then she ended up being the beautiful child that marries the prince.. RIGHT???
Well mine is something like that... Except this is how MY story goes.
I had a great life until kinder-garden. Then everything went to shreds. Plus I'm slightly only 3 years younger than Cinderella, and I am SO not that pretty let alone cute (honestly I don't see why guys alway mention that I'm cute, pretty, beautiful, etc. when I know deep down they don't really think that)
Then there's almost being 15 and EVERYONE treats me very mean.

Well thats all for now, in this post anyway ;)
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

Mixed Emotions

Okay so in previous posts I've mentions a conflict between me liking Joel while going out with Xavier..
To clear things up I'm justa very confused and emotion mixed girl.
To let all ya'll know I'm just a naturally flirtatious girl.
My friend Christine asked me why I'm not single so I could be free to flirt and not feel like somone is holding me back?
I thought on that. Thinking...
I've realized that when I'm single I am still a over flirtatious girl, but when I'm single i feel alone. Unwanted, unneeded, and that I'm the only girl with out a boyfriend. Though I do know that I'm not. That's just the way I feel.
Then when I am taken and not single I get an over drive of flirting.
I guess I'm just trying to say that. Being me is very confusing and when you try to figure me out you just wind up even more confused than before.
I honestly can say that it's not like I do all of this flirting on purpose.
No it's never like that at all.

I'm just guessing maybe I should try and switch off the flirty-ness when in a relationship...

Thats all I have to say for today.. Two posts in one day wow...
Well see y'all to-marrow. Have a nice night. Learn from your mistakes and don't do anything you'll regret int he next 24 hours.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

A Girls Life and Superstitions

Being a girl, sucks dick. And some girls really do suck dick... Eh.. sorry had to throw that one out there. Life as a girl sucks because we...

**WARNING BOYS DONT READ THE REST UNTIL NEXT PARAGRAPH**

...Get periods once a month that turn us into complete horrn mongruels with ravenging emotions that turn us BIpolar and we PMS. We are grouchy bitches that make the opposite sex run in terror when ur Monthly comes. I know this because I'm at that age... Being at that age sucks!!!

I wish I was in kindergarden again, when I was soo innocent and I didn't care for boys or teen shit. Where I was brave to go up to a boy and talk to him, but not like him in that way. Or climb a tree and not care if I- fall and break a bone... Until that actually happens. Or loose a friend. Then I lived a life a passion and happiness. Now, I live a life of pissy moments, and wondering if that cute guy from my 2nd hour like me. Or if that hott guy with the muscle-ey arms from across the room will notice me. No being a chick sucks and being a chick who is just NOW getting a social life sucks. Having a Super below ground level self esteem sucks too.

Now time for DU-DUrrrruhDUH! Superstition talk BY THE MALEFICENT STAR!!!!
Heh, ok well i do beleive in that mumbo-jumbo oman, karma, superstiton crap. I am the queen of believing in that shit. Mainly because I have the worst luck alive...
I've some what learned that when I say the opposite of what I want I get what I want. BUT theres a catch it only works when I'm not thinking about what I really want.
EX: I want my belly button peirced. (seriously I do!) but when I ask my dad I think "He's going to say no. I'm not going to be able to" and because I know that normaly that works.... When I'm still focused on wanting the main thing I'm focused on i don't get it :'(
SO superstitous I am.

SONG of my DAY! Timbland If we Ever Meet Again Feat. Katy Perry

Life and Dateing

Okay, Starters...
Life. Life sucks. I suck. We all suck. Being a teenager with rummaging hormones makes life complicated and makes life worse. Especially if you have a bf/gf (bf in my case) and your a overly obsessive flirter (In which I am) and not to mention being the reason for your boyfriends depression. Not to mention I am having dateing problems...
In with that comes my next topic, DATEING. I have noticed lately that, I try to hard to get Joel to notice me and make him WANT to be with me, and less time with my boyfriend. Now I'm starting to realize girls really do want especially what they can't have. I CAN'T have Joel and I really WANT him. I do not know why okay? Don't go asking me why because I honestly don't know why I neglect the guy that would do anything for me. Or why I'm haveing second thoughts on weather I wanna be with him or not. Or why I insist on telling people who arn't even reading this. Or even try to get all my feelings out on a blog that nobodies going to fucking read because no body visits my other sites anyway so why try now?
So again lets recapp whats been said my life sucks, I have a possible leading to the dead end road relationship. I have friends that might utterly hate me if I hurt Xavier (my bf) I just utterly DON'T know any more I wish life wasn't so complicated and you meet the man meant for you the second you start likeing guys... So that way we don't have to spend half our lives not only focusing on our future, but trying to find the one we want a furture with.
To say off being alone in the world isn't what I plan to do, I want to grow up and grow old-ish with soemone. I want to someday be giving the same lectures my parents give me to children of my own.
I may not be ready for the real world, but I am prepared for the heart breaks of the true relationships out of high school thats for sure.
Then again there may be a point in time when I realize guys shouldn't mean the world to me, but shit. They. Mean the fucking universe to me now. And right now that's all I want/need. Is to feel wanted by the guy I like. AND I mean really LIKE. The like where I'm not feeling like at any minute I'll cheat on Xavier because this other guy likes me and I like him back, NO I want something differant something that works. Somthing where I'm NOT constantly thinking weather we'll work out or not NO not that I want nothing of a relationship like that... I just want dateing to be simple.. Not complicated as it is right now.

Well I have a room to clean. Readers, if you're there. Ill blog again in a few hours. C'ya.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :/

Scary FREAKING Movies

Okay, well I think in my last post last night I told all of you I was leaving to watch "The Unborn" with my dad? Well news update this was the 2nd movie ever to make me scream. Want to know the 1st to ever make me scream? Well it was "My Bloody Valentine"
If you've seen it then you probably remeber the grocery store scene in the office when the psyhco takes that mehgan chick and that stupid Sara keeps saying "Mehgan?" and cryign and waling towards the window where she got taken and dissapeared then next thing you knwo BAM! the freaking Psycho pops up. I knew it was comming, but the director had me screaming at the tv knowing that he's there and i was on the edge of my seat then BAM! He pops up and im freaking screaming... Causeing my dad to think something is wrong with me...
In "The Unborn" im not describing all the scenes that had made em scream. Too many to describe actually heh :) I know, I'm a wimp... But a lot of people love me for it :)
Anyway, I shouldn't even be posting this early on a week day. I have to got o schol talk to all you reader, if there are any, later.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

Food Chain, Moods, and Dating

Well for starters,

The school Food chain; Have you ever realized how all through out your school life
(13 years, 14 if you went to pre-school) You will have been at the top of the food chain at leats 3-4 times. In your Elementary grades your at the top, in a way, twice. Once in Kindergarden because you dont care about the older kids, and when your in 4th grade. Then your back at the bottom starting middle school in 5th grade... Then 3yrs later your at the top again in 8th grade, but after that year your at the bottom again for the last time, 9th grade starting High School. Then, again, 3yrs later your a Senior, 12th grade, and you're high at the top and your ruleing the school again for the last time... College doesn't really count because you have a choice to go or not. So have you ever knoticed that? I have a few times before, somtimes i'd even sit here for hours thinking about it.

Secondly moods; I have the worst mood outbursts ever. I know most people know I'm bipolar. So today was very mood swingy or bipolar-y. I went from being sad, to happy, to pissed, to depressed, to excited, to sad again, to happy again, repeat time 5; and now finally just in between lovey dovey and tiredness.... Very up and down day today.. Also when I say I went from this mood to that then repeat I mean it just switched with out warning so literally I'm bipolar. DONT'T ASK OK!?
:)

And finally Dateing; Another "Have you ever...?" question... Have you ever realized that when a girl wants something they want it the most ESPECIALLY when they CAN'T have it???? I have.... mainly because I'm going through that same sorta stage of a relationship road block... All it takes is one guy(Joel), one girl(Me) and a relationship going on(Me and Xavier) to get it going... I wanna be with Joel, BUT then again what ever me and Xavier have going on could hurt me if i ruin it... I think Xaviers going to be one of those guys that if I lose him I'm going to be heart broken. Even if I'm the one doing the heart breaking. My perfect example of one of those guys is, sad to sort of say, Preston. We stopped dating about 2 maybe 2.5 months ago and I'm still trying to get over him. I, now, barely even see him let alone talk to him.
So my point is that I want to be with Joel, who by the way may not even fucking like me, but I don't want to ruin what ever I already got going on.

Well sad to say, I have to get off. Well I don't have to, but my dad jusyt baught "The Unborn" for our blu-ray so I'm getting off. I'll be on again tomarrow with maybe a slightly shorter blog. Oh and if there are any readers out there; please, if you like my writing, recommend people to visit.
So to all of you, if your reading. Bye for now.
Your Wacky Little Writer,
Star :)

About my Blogs:

Well for starters,
Hi! My name is Star. (ie. not real name its a Nickname)
My reason for starting a blog is to, well, im going to put it this way. Im trying a self therapy thing.. Sounds ludacris i know but it might help me out. (and no im not a lunatic)
Also a way for me to share my thoughts and not care, for once, about what others say.

Another thing for me to say is that if you dont like profanity (ie. Cussing, talking about sex, etc.) then dont bother reading because i will Cuss and i will be perverted at times. Basically if you know me, you will learn the many sides of me. You will learn what goes on in my head that i dont normally say out loud and you will think differantly about me by the time you read my next blog. So unless you dont want to think differantly dont read. But if your willing to take that chance of thinking and looking at me differantly then I suggest to check in regularly.
To readers that dont know me, well your in for a ride.
To all, to let you know if you don't like to read then just stop now. Because im a writer. I will write until my hands bleed. And it will be descriptive.
But, not always will it be long... Just when im stressed or in my moment (ie. Depressed) moods.
And try to keep my veiwers (if i get any) at a age limit. I perfer teenagers right now.. Because adults complicate things... And they anylize me... DO NOT want that.

So basically to try and not make it sound like im a complete robot. :) My blogging wont be boring trust me, unless to you think it is =/ then gimme tips and i wont be boring. heh
But to list a few topic i will be mainly talking about are:

• Boys
• Life
• School
• Family
• Sex
• Moods
• Anti-Religion
• ETC.

Thats just a few... And if you don't know what i mean by Anit-religion... You will find out soon. That might be an only sunday blog subject.