I don't eat like every one else because my dad can't afford to buy food every month like most families.
I don't eat normal because I feel like I'm being selfish in my house when I go on a hunger rampage...
I eat when I'm at school and I eat when I'm at friends house. I eat when I'm offered food. And I eat... When I feel like it's necessary.
I'm sick, and I'm tired of everyone calling me anorexic or bulimic. I'm not. I don't conceder myself skinny I conceder myself SLIGHTLY chubby. I'm not a perfect model but I'm not a fat ass lard.
I don't starve my self. I eat when I'm hungry and when it's necessary.
My dad can't afford to feed us every day. And so i get my food from school from friends, on dates, when i hang out. When i get payed for baby sitting.
Stop calling me anorexic. Or bulimic. Even if you're joking. It's not funny to me...
I feel fat with out those comments. I don't need those comments to make me feel bone skinny.
Anyway I'm done with this rant.
**Star**
17.4.11
Dear Momma,
I know your some where... I dont know where. Daddy would say youre in heaven. I would say youre gone. to me right now. You're a box of ashes on the shelf in the dining room. In a way im a bit creeped out by it. But its reassurng knowing youre, kind of, close by.
So here's what you've missed since you've passed away. Brandons on probabtion... I tell him he should be in jail every time me and him get in a fight. Then dad tells me i shouldnt say that, because he doesnt like the fact that hes screwed up.. To me, personally, i think that he's the one who decided to drink illegally and drive under the influance and get like six thousand MIP's and fourty million DUI's so, i dont care. Besides he's been nothing but an annoying pest to me any way, He's nothing like a brother should be when his sister is in need of a brotherly touch... Stupid jerk face. Sorry. Anyway. I turned 15 five months after you passed away. Uhm, Lets see. After you passed away i broke up with Preston. I know you liked him.. but... no... He dated my best friend. And then cheated on her. And... no. Anyway! uhm. Kayla moved in with her mum down in Georgia... :/ I no longer have a reason to escape every weekend from the house. Im in my sophmore year now. i get pissy every time a teacher automatically tells me to show you something or call you or etc. The only teachers i know who remembers about you passing away from my freshman year is my counslor and my french teacher Madam Boltinghouse. Every one else im too scared to tell them. Uhm.. Im making a comic and writeing a chapter book. uhm.
I fell in love... And still am.. With the same guy. God i cry so much more now. Over you and him. Him cause i know he loves me, but we're not together any more. You cause i cant very much talk to you about this. Theres not one day now that i wish you were here to hear you say those motherly things you used to say. Especially when i come to you about guy problems... Dad doesnt understand that a father isnt soem one a teenage girl would want to come to for guy problems... He keeps telling me to get over him... i dont think anyone realizes its much easier said than done. Besides. Ive gone a good three months with out a boyfriend. I can last along time waiting for him.
ANYWAY, back to the updates, Uhm, OH! I got my nose pierced last year in June on Camryn and Kaylas birthday. Then this year on the 9th of February i got my belly pierced :) soon when i get a job im spending the first $100 for spider bites (a form of lip piercing). Camryn turned one last June. He turns Two here in 2 months. I got my Permit in January. I turn 16 here in a month and 8 days.
I baby sit for Crystal all the time now. I think Camryn's gonna grow up knowing his Aunty Sara more Than he'll know of Uncle Josh and Brandon or Grampa.
I joined ROTC, :) i am ranked Cadet Corpral. I have two cords, Sabre Team (i have an Arc for that too) and Courtesy Patrol too. I have four ribbons, uhm, one for courtesy patrol, service learning, uhm, i cant remember the othe two but im geting three new rewards this week.
One of my friends Acts like my mum now. xD its kinda funny. She gives me motherly(ish) friend advice. Its kinda nice.. Though its nothing compared to you.
Ive been looking at colleges a lot more than usual.
Thats about all the updates i can give right now. I love and miss you Momma. I wish i had been mor eof a daughter to you when you were sick. Oh i almost forgot, I go to this greiving camp thing called "Camp Hope" its nice to be surrounded by people who are goinng through the same thing. Its been a Year, three months and 17 days since you passed away... and im ok now when people do the "your mum" joke i play a little joke on them as well. but its still hard. Especially here soon. My 16th birthday is going to be hard for me to go through with out you. Especially since im going to a summer camp thing for ROTC for half of the morning of it then im going home to a house getting a happy birthday wish from Daddy and then spending the rest of it up in my room. Sigh. i miss you momma. Cant you just come back?
I love you.
--Sara
So here's what you've missed since you've passed away. Brandons on probabtion... I tell him he should be in jail every time me and him get in a fight. Then dad tells me i shouldnt say that, because he doesnt like the fact that hes screwed up.. To me, personally, i think that he's the one who decided to drink illegally and drive under the influance and get like six thousand MIP's and fourty million DUI's so, i dont care. Besides he's been nothing but an annoying pest to me any way, He's nothing like a brother should be when his sister is in need of a brotherly touch... Stupid jerk face. Sorry. Anyway. I turned 15 five months after you passed away. Uhm, Lets see. After you passed away i broke up with Preston. I know you liked him.. but... no... He dated my best friend. And then cheated on her. And... no. Anyway! uhm. Kayla moved in with her mum down in Georgia... :/ I no longer have a reason to escape every weekend from the house. Im in my sophmore year now. i get pissy every time a teacher automatically tells me to show you something or call you or etc. The only teachers i know who remembers about you passing away from my freshman year is my counslor and my french teacher Madam Boltinghouse. Every one else im too scared to tell them. Uhm.. Im making a comic and writeing a chapter book. uhm.
I fell in love... And still am.. With the same guy. God i cry so much more now. Over you and him. Him cause i know he loves me, but we're not together any more. You cause i cant very much talk to you about this. Theres not one day now that i wish you were here to hear you say those motherly things you used to say. Especially when i come to you about guy problems... Dad doesnt understand that a father isnt soem one a teenage girl would want to come to for guy problems... He keeps telling me to get over him... i dont think anyone realizes its much easier said than done. Besides. Ive gone a good three months with out a boyfriend. I can last along time waiting for him.
ANYWAY, back to the updates, Uhm, OH! I got my nose pierced last year in June on Camryn and Kaylas birthday. Then this year on the 9th of February i got my belly pierced :) soon when i get a job im spending the first $100 for spider bites (a form of lip piercing). Camryn turned one last June. He turns Two here in 2 months. I got my Permit in January. I turn 16 here in a month and 8 days.
I baby sit for Crystal all the time now. I think Camryn's gonna grow up knowing his Aunty Sara more Than he'll know of Uncle Josh and Brandon or Grampa.
I joined ROTC, :) i am ranked Cadet Corpral. I have two cords, Sabre Team (i have an Arc for that too) and Courtesy Patrol too. I have four ribbons, uhm, one for courtesy patrol, service learning, uhm, i cant remember the othe two but im geting three new rewards this week.
One of my friends Acts like my mum now. xD its kinda funny. She gives me motherly(ish) friend advice. Its kinda nice.. Though its nothing compared to you.
Ive been looking at colleges a lot more than usual.
Thats about all the updates i can give right now. I love and miss you Momma. I wish i had been mor eof a daughter to you when you were sick. Oh i almost forgot, I go to this greiving camp thing called "Camp Hope" its nice to be surrounded by people who are goinng through the same thing. Its been a Year, three months and 17 days since you passed away... and im ok now when people do the "your mum" joke i play a little joke on them as well. but its still hard. Especially here soon. My 16th birthday is going to be hard for me to go through with out you. Especially since im going to a summer camp thing for ROTC for half of the morning of it then im going home to a house getting a happy birthday wish from Daddy and then spending the rest of it up in my room. Sigh. i miss you momma. Cant you just come back?
I love you.
--Sara
5.4.11
Two years left... and issues.
It is april of my sophmore year. Great right? I'm almost done with High School, great... right? Well I don't know anymore. I used to think I'm going to end up at a High School with every one that used to hate me. I also used to think i wouldnt make it to my 15th birthday and that i would've commited suicide by now.... But...
Im now at a school with no one from my elem/middle school. Im almost a Junior and i cant wait to find out whats gonna happen. Im.. some what.. utterly happy.
I don't have a boyfriend. For once in my life i don't plan to have one... Unless its the one ive been going on about lately. For reasons no one would understand because if i said i'd probably get the "You're too young to know what that is" lecture, and right now i don't want to fucking hear it...
Im in a emotional strut because MOST of my friends have gotten nothing better to say than to gawk over their recently new bf or gf and how "great" its been with them. Or how they hold hands, and kiss (or make out) or cuddle right in front of me. And how they just never wanna lose that person. I right now just want to strangle them and bash their head against the wall or floor and say, "I care that you're happy. I do. But im not in this situation. Im miserable. I DID lose the person i didnt want to lose. SO PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FIND A NEW TOPIC TO GAWK OVER!!!"
Thats what i would like to do.
But i don't.
Because im just too nice to my friends to ruin their happy-ness.
Anyway. Junior in four months. God, four months. Then I'll have only a year to go. A year. Prom next year, Road trip, weather my dad allows it or not. So much more.
Sigh, i wish my mum was here. She'd be able to help me with the issues i have right now. She would normally be the one to tell me, "Honey. Just be patient, things will eventually work out. If you two like each other as much as you say you do, he'll come back. He really likes you, well if he really does then he'll come back to you. Just hold, in there and don't let it get to you." then she'd give me the biggest hug she can manage.
She would, but she can't. And i can't handle my issues right now...
Sigh. Ive become unbearably sad right now... So ima go play Sims3
**Star**
Im now at a school with no one from my elem/middle school. Im almost a Junior and i cant wait to find out whats gonna happen. Im.. some what.. utterly happy.
I don't have a boyfriend. For once in my life i don't plan to have one... Unless its the one ive been going on about lately. For reasons no one would understand because if i said i'd probably get the "You're too young to know what that is" lecture, and right now i don't want to fucking hear it...
Im in a emotional strut because MOST of my friends have gotten nothing better to say than to gawk over their recently new bf or gf and how "great" its been with them. Or how they hold hands, and kiss (or make out) or cuddle right in front of me. And how they just never wanna lose that person. I right now just want to strangle them and bash their head against the wall or floor and say, "I care that you're happy. I do. But im not in this situation. Im miserable. I DID lose the person i didnt want to lose. SO PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FIND A NEW TOPIC TO GAWK OVER!!!"
Thats what i would like to do.
But i don't.
Because im just too nice to my friends to ruin their happy-ness.
Anyway. Junior in four months. God, four months. Then I'll have only a year to go. A year. Prom next year, Road trip, weather my dad allows it or not. So much more.
Sigh, i wish my mum was here. She'd be able to help me with the issues i have right now. She would normally be the one to tell me, "Honey. Just be patient, things will eventually work out. If you two like each other as much as you say you do, he'll come back. He really likes you, well if he really does then he'll come back to you. Just hold, in there and don't let it get to you." then she'd give me the biggest hug she can manage.
She would, but she can't. And i can't handle my issues right now...
Sigh. Ive become unbearably sad right now... So ima go play Sims3
**Star**
3.4.11
An Army wife? HELL NO! .... Block Scheduling = Stress releiving?
I've realized soon that, i get really demandive when im in a relationship. Especially the one i was in. I also realized how in past relationships ive discouraged my bf's to go into the army or military etc.
My reason for this is, if that relationship bloomed into more then anything and we ever ended up married, i didnt want to be the wide at home while her husband was risking his life. I didnt want to get a letter or a phone call to tell me, "You're husband died fighting for what he loved." or some bull-shit like that. I don't want to try and start a family and have to raise children on my own. I don't want to have kids that sit there and ask "wheres daddy?" all the time. I just plain don't want to be heart broken. And to be perfectly honest, i think iwould probably end up getting a divorce or cheating on the guy i ever marry and decided to go into the service. I'm not kidding.
The idea of being married and have a husband that i wont ever see never appeals to me. I don't think it ever will. I want some one there to make me smile when he comes home from work. Makes me surprize dinners for no reason, even if it means we end up getting take out any way. Some one who would purprize me with a secret date for our anniversary. Stuf that would make me smile on a daily basis.
I also want the person i marry to get into small fights with me because he annoys me. Some one that can make the pain go away just by kissing me. Someone that will be there for me even when he doesnt know what to do... Some one that even when i nag at him, he still doesnt mind being with me.
Where is this all comeing from? Well im watching this show on "lifetime" Called 'Coming Home' its about people seeing there husbands, boyfriends, etc. coming home from war or stations they were deported to. And i've cried about five times now. Just thinking about.. "What if that was me? In that situation??" I'd die... And when i saw them again i'd say "Don't go back. Don't put me through this again." I'd cry the first whole day he was there again, and I'd prolly commit suicide the day he went back.
ON A DIFFERANT NOTE.... I'm tired shot less and getting ready for school for the next two weeks. I'm starting to like block scheduling. It lightens my book load and it helps with the homework prob. I mean seriously. I have gotten most all my homework done for my even/odd day classes in the two days i have to do it then the one day ive had all year. I seriously love block sheduling... kinda.
I hate that i have to figure out two times that i go to lunch in the week. And that i have 90minutes of pure torchure in some of my classes. But hey its what ever. I hate that i never see.... HIM anymore... :/
But hey. I saw HIM this weekend :)
Anyway, g'night people.
**Star**
My reason for this is, if that relationship bloomed into more then anything and we ever ended up married, i didnt want to be the wide at home while her husband was risking his life. I didnt want to get a letter or a phone call to tell me, "You're husband died fighting for what he loved." or some bull-shit like that. I don't want to try and start a family and have to raise children on my own. I don't want to have kids that sit there and ask "wheres daddy?" all the time. I just plain don't want to be heart broken. And to be perfectly honest, i think iwould probably end up getting a divorce or cheating on the guy i ever marry and decided to go into the service. I'm not kidding.
The idea of being married and have a husband that i wont ever see never appeals to me. I don't think it ever will. I want some one there to make me smile when he comes home from work. Makes me surprize dinners for no reason, even if it means we end up getting take out any way. Some one who would purprize me with a secret date for our anniversary. Stuf that would make me smile on a daily basis.
I also want the person i marry to get into small fights with me because he annoys me. Some one that can make the pain go away just by kissing me. Someone that will be there for me even when he doesnt know what to do... Some one that even when i nag at him, he still doesnt mind being with me.
Where is this all comeing from? Well im watching this show on "lifetime" Called 'Coming Home' its about people seeing there husbands, boyfriends, etc. coming home from war or stations they were deported to. And i've cried about five times now. Just thinking about.. "What if that was me? In that situation??" I'd die... And when i saw them again i'd say "Don't go back. Don't put me through this again." I'd cry the first whole day he was there again, and I'd prolly commit suicide the day he went back.
ON A DIFFERANT NOTE.... I'm tired shot less and getting ready for school for the next two weeks. I'm starting to like block scheduling. It lightens my book load and it helps with the homework prob. I mean seriously. I have gotten most all my homework done for my even/odd day classes in the two days i have to do it then the one day ive had all year. I seriously love block sheduling... kinda.
I hate that i have to figure out two times that i go to lunch in the week. And that i have 90minutes of pure torchure in some of my classes. But hey its what ever. I hate that i never see.... HIM anymore... :/
But hey. I saw HIM this weekend :)
Anyway, g'night people.
**Star**
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