How do i say this....?

So i was gonna write a long apologie post. But whats the use?
i mean we've been fighting for two days now. And i dont see the point. but i guess here goes nothing....

Annual 12 days of Christmas REMIX!

So i think I'm going to start doing a annual "12 days of Christmas" song REMIX!
here goes nothing:

Repost: All i want for Christmas.....

I never knew how much it would hurt to see that my, so called, best friend doesnt even want me as her Best Friend...

She may deny it, but really i read that post. And my heart sank.

Well people....

Though ive figured that finals week sucks balls


Only becaus ei know i might have failed majority of my classes?
Sigh... the only problem with having high expectations of myself is that after a while of trying your hardest and doing the best you can... it gets tiring... Im tired of doing all that i can and exceeding in a lot of things in my life...
Like when i was 12 i knew right away how i wanted my wedding to be. Or what i was going to do after high school.

Its in the past... right?

Past is past i cant change anything about it. You either run from it or learn from it.
OR you hold a grudge and never forgive... I know, that last ones not a good way to leave things but, some people dont deserve to be forgiven... No matter how much they change in the future...
Especially when they used to torchure you to the point and brink of suicide.

Single and liking it? But hating the state of No-boyfriend.

Im going vintage! :D

Im bringing back words that are retro/hippie ish.

wondering why?
Well the book im reading "Treasure map to boys" by e.lockhart
Ruby, the main character, she is totally vintage in a modernized world.
well anyway this book is #3 of 4. SO dont ask for what its about. Cause either way
i wouldnt be able to explain. Yeah. Its one of THOSE books.
You know. Where you have to read to understand?

Thou Shouldn't speakest of him

So i have a friend.
Im not supposed to ever skeak of him

But i dont think its very fair to me.
he speakest of me. But wheres as im not allowed to speakest of him.

Though my way if speaking of him is in a term
that he knows i do with people.

He'll read this and freak. burt oh frikken well
Not like im telling any one where he lives XD

Wanna know me?

Life is full of lemons and lemonade is too sour.
But knowing things about me is easy as...
O..o
Erm... Well getting to know me is easy as...
Ok knowing me isnt very easy.

But when it comes to things to what i like well then that IS easy as..
1 2 3
or the A B C's
or drawing a stick figure haha

Did... did i lose my 2nd chance with you already?

So you say you'll go back out with me in a heart beat if I prove to you that i'm over him...
So i do my best to prove that i am. But for some reason you seem to not believe me... ?
Or was i wrong?
Am i really over him or am i not?

Okay no. I am. i know i am. Cause im more hung over you than i've been over him.
And i havnt even thought of him until you've put him into my mind. or until you've
done something to remotely seem like him. Or if Tasha mentions him. WHICH IS RARE AS FUCKING FUCK!!!

people say that, when you love something you must let it go...

Saying goodbye to the one who makes you happy the most.
Is the most heart wrenching. Heart breaking thing, that ive ever done.
Seeing him again after all that has happened you'd think that i'd cry... But i didnt.
You'd think id be mad... But i wasnt.
You'd think that all hell would break loose and he'd regret it... But thats not the case.

Almost to 150 posts. (multi-topic)

I think this time last year i had just reached 50 posts. Lol then thats when i vowed to have 100 by new years lol. I think i might just let the 200th post creep up on me whenever. But i also did many many many small posts then.

There's no ME, and no YOU. Theres just US!

yeah ive been thinking lately...



Thats all i wanted to say...

**Star**

Ps. Shortest post.

Brandon Lee, Sadly, Dead. :'(

ugh! i wish Brandon Lee.
The actor who played Eric Draven in "The Crow".
Was still alive...
>.>
I know he'd be like... old.
But hey! HE IS A HOTT MO-FO!
And he's Bruce Lee's son.
So he'd be a built hott mo-fo! :)

double date multi subject. :)

06/20/11

I can't help but to look at his profile on facebook.
When I do I see his pictures. So I browse...
Then, I can't help when I see them that I look at him and study how he looks.
Then I look in the mirror or at my own pictures...
Then I wonder... "What does he see in me?" (or what DID he see in me)
And I know it's bad for me to say that... but I honestly don't think he saw anything, looks wise in me..
Had to be personality right? Or... idk...
Wish I could ask him myself... but I'm too scared to because in a way I rather not find out.
And I don't wanna ask in present tense and him say "I don't like you anymore"
I feel like I'm going down a road that'll get me stuck in quick sand and each time I get pulled out ill get stuck again. Idk maybe I'm making things complicated by always talking about it??


So I'm changing the subject now.
I have enough in the bank for a car now :) I can't buy until I have my licence.
I'm trying for my licence next week on the 26th. Can't wait!!! :D
I know I'm going to pass :)

Coco Keys Water Resort :)

I will have picture sin this post!!

My mom, Job, and Car

(Friday June 24th 2011)
So I watched a couple episodes of "Gilmore Girls" today, my first day off, and I almost started crying. ;/ cause it reminded me of my mom. Me and her would always watch that show it was like our little bonding show :)

pets

See my first pet was a cat "peaches" he died then we got another cat "mr. Professer" idk why we named them those names but we did. Then we got our first puppy "mr wiggles" he loved to wiggle a lot when you tried holding him so that's why we named him that. He ate everything! But it was like "marley and me" before the darn movie even came out. And "mr. Wiggles" was still a puppy when we had to put him to sleep. See my uncle screwed up his mind so he kinda would bite anyone who came too close to him and you akways had to talk. Slowwww. And. Calmly. Other wise he would bite you before you could touch him.

2 jobs 7days a week.

Once i figure out the Scheduling at Coco Keys I am going to be Calling up the manager at Midtown Cinema and hopefully she still has a position open for me, then i can work 4 or five days then what ever days i don't work there ill work at the cinema.

YES ILL BE WORKING 7 DAYS A WEEK!

So... yeah... car here i come...


So now THIS is officially my shortest post

**STAR**

4 am... bored.

It is four am here and i am WIDE awake...
I'm talking to my friend Trey. Playing 20Q with him.
Its kinda fun. I'm learning a lot of new things about him.
Though i can't tell you readers here.
Personal things you know?

The Last Tribute....

Okay, so I've decided instead of trying to get him back as my boyfriend i'm going to to focus on getting him back as my friend more. You know; talking more, trying to hang out with groups of friend. Friend things. Then maybe, just maybe ill get him back as my boyfriend. Or maybe even more.. :)
So i'm making this post, the LAST love tribute to him. Don't get me wrong i might have those small moments where i rather just jump to having him back as boyfriend. But this is a goal. Friend first. Then maybe ill get him back as something more. That is if he hasn't moved on yet... If he does then i wouldn't blame him, i still don't think any one could every love me and stay in love with me. BUT ANYWAY... My last love tribute....

I feel like he's erasing me from his life.

He won't reply to my texts.
He deletes my posts on his FB wall.
I bet he'd ignore my calls if i called him.

The one thing i'm glad he hasn't done is deleted me from his friends list.

I'm going insane!

Lost and Writing

I feel like I've lost every thing. Well everything I need to survive in my life.
First i lose my mom a year and a half ago. Then, the one guy that ill ever truly love gives up on making it possible with me. I feel like if i even try to reach out towards him again he'll act like i'm this girl Alyssa... And he absolutely hates Alyssa...

Interveiw Monday, Sister lost power at the apartment... I might be living in a 1 bedroom apartment for the next 2 1/2 months.

SO first things first.
I got a call today :)
A very very important call that ive been waiting for a LONG freaking time!
ok a few days but hey thats pretty long for me.

1 year of blogs! (I'm a couple months late i know)

Ok, so I'm a couple months late on this but my first blog post i ever made was on April 13th 2010.
TODAY however isn't April 13th 2011. Today is June 2nd 2011.
I'm late on this post i know, but i would just like to thank all of my reader"s"
Even though i know no one really reads these I'm thanking every one of my friends. Haha
If it wasn't for them making me mad, happy, depressed, sad, confused, mixed moods, etc. I wouldn't have my blogs today.
Id like to thank all of my friends who were there for me when i needed them this past year when it came to about my mom.

Jobs shouldn't be this hard to find when 16!

i wish it wasn't so hard for a 16 y/o to get a damn job!

...

Stupid adults taking our jobs!

...

Stupid economy for making the adults have to resort to take our jobs!

...

Stupid government for making the economy so frikken bad!

-_-;

Seniors and Juniors and High School OH MY!?

SO as most of the people who read this and are my friends from Burke (my/our high school) May 12th was Seniors last day... It was roomy after they left for the LAST week of school.. :/
I hated when seniors left. I have so many friends who are older than mee... But no the real thing that made me a tid bit more sad than all my senior friends leaving this year and me and them prolly never talking to each other except that random time over facebook when we're both bored. Is that, the boy that everyone seems to think i'm OBSESSED with, but i'm not... i'm in love with him instead, he is a senior as well... He'll be busy with college life, and a job... And i'm already used to the "i'm to busy to hang out with you right now maybe some other time" routine with him but this will be a BIGGER thing now it'll be like "I'm too busy being out of high school to care to hang out with you maybe never later." Dx

Dad's Throwing a Fit.

My dad, the douche bag from hell, is throwing a fit.

I came home from going to the store with the girl I started baby sitting for. She bought me cheese cake. "SHE BOUGHT ME CHEESE CAKE!" smiles "And im going out and baby sitting again for her round 1 to-marrow" i say to my dad. "Oh cool." he says as i walk by "Will there be any time for you to do the dishes?" i chuckled and said, "Thats not my job any more dad, YOU took it over." then, with out my knowledge, its every ones job to do the dishes. "I do the dishes i use, dad." I tell him. and he decides to say, "Then don't expect to eat in this house any more." so i just walked away and said (Sarcastically), "Whatever dad. Starve me then."

I came up to my room... I saw the empty ice cream bucket and took it down and washed it out. My dad came in a grabbed a fork for my cheese cake and left and he threw a fit. All just because i didn't say anything to him...

He started saying stuff about $250 and BLAH BLAH BLAH!

This is my plan of the summer:
1. Get a Job.
2. Get my licence
3. Get a used car.
4. Get a mini fridge.
5. MOVE OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOUSE AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE!!! (even if I'm still in school..)

>:| Starve me if you like father, i don't eat a lot as it is. I can go weeks with out eating. I Eat when i baby sit any way... You know what... F*** YOU DAD i don't give a damn any more...


So readers I'm done ranting.

**Star**


Ps. I cant wait to leave this house, oh "loving" father of mine. See how well you get by when my SSI for you stops coming in :)

REALLY? Really!? What... The... F***!

You know wats on my mind Readers?
My mind is on him.
And only him.
Wanna know why?
Cause he decided to txt me after i took my 3rd hr finals. says "We need to talk." im freakin out.
So i sent hims three individual texts, uhm? Why? About what?
Finially he replies... "Idk ill talk to you later..."
my heart is pounding becaus eim still freaking out "You cant do that to me!" i reply.
about 20 minutes later when im in classes that i cant text in he says, "Its important, but i wanna tell you in person."
Ok, when in person?
*no reply*
two hours later, i try talking to him like normal. No reply.
two more hours later, try again asking hows his game.. No reply
three hours later, asking if hes at work or if hes working... STILL NO EFFING REPLY.

Ok i get it something important to tell me, in a serious tone, Probably scare dhow ill react... but do you HAVE TO EFFING ignore me all EFFING day?
I mean this is the second day, SECOND fucking DAY that youve just comepletely ignored me all day.
If youre busy OR dont want to talk to me THEN YOU COULD AT least save me the damn worry and tell me...
But what ever,
You. Can text me. When. YOU. Want to talk to me.


--- Signed a severely Pisse doff Girlfriend. ---



PS. If you do read this, jerk, >:/

I love you. Just cause i'm angry doesn't mean i don't. So... >:/


PPS. Until we talk i will keep thinking you want to break up with me...

PPPS. I love you, again...



PPPPS. Jerk... Frikken reply to my texts.

Wanna know why I don't eat normal?

I don't eat like every one else because my dad can't afford to buy food every month like most families.
I don't eat normal because I feel like I'm being selfish in my house when I go on a hunger rampage...

I eat when I'm at school and I eat when I'm at friends house. I eat when I'm offered food. And I eat... When I feel like it's necessary.

I'm sick, and I'm tired of everyone calling me anorexic or bulimic. I'm not. I don't conceder myself skinny I conceder myself SLIGHTLY chubby. I'm not a perfect model but I'm not a fat ass lard.

I don't starve my self. I eat when I'm hungry and when it's necessary.

My dad can't afford to feed us every day. And so i get my food from school from friends, on dates, when i hang out. When i get payed for baby sitting.

Stop calling me anorexic. Or bulimic. Even if you're joking. It's not funny to me...
I feel fat with out those comments. I don't need those comments to make me feel bone skinny.


Anyway I'm done with this rant.

**Star**

Dear Momma,

I know your some where... I dont know where. Daddy would say youre in heaven. I would say youre gone. to me right now. You're a box of ashes on the shelf in the dining room. In a way im a bit creeped out by it. But its reassurng knowing youre, kind of, close by.

So here's what you've missed since you've passed away. Brandons on probabtion... I tell him he should be in jail every time me and him get in a fight. Then dad tells me i shouldnt say that, because he doesnt like the fact that hes screwed up.. To me, personally, i think that he's the one who decided to drink illegally and drive under the influance and get like six thousand MIP's and fourty million DUI's so, i dont care. Besides he's been nothing but an annoying pest to me any way, He's nothing like a brother should be when his sister is in need of a brotherly touch... Stupid jerk face. Sorry. Anyway. I turned 15 five months after you passed away. Uhm, Lets see. After you passed away i broke up with Preston. I know you liked him.. but... no... He dated my best friend. And then cheated on her. And... no. Anyway! uhm. Kayla moved in with her mum down in Georgia... :/ I no longer have a reason to escape every weekend from the house. Im in my sophmore year now. i get pissy every time a teacher automatically tells me to show you something or call you or etc. The only teachers i know who remembers about you passing away from my freshman year is my counslor and my french teacher Madam Boltinghouse. Every one else im too scared to tell them. Uhm.. Im making a comic and writeing a chapter book. uhm.

I fell in love... And still am.. With the same guy. God i cry so much more now. Over you and him. Him cause i know he loves me, but we're not together any more. You cause i cant very much talk to you about this. Theres not one day now that i wish you were here to hear you say those motherly things you used to say. Especially when i come to you about guy problems... Dad doesnt understand that a father isnt soem one a teenage girl would want to come to for guy problems... He keeps telling me to get over him... i dont think anyone realizes its much easier said than done. Besides. Ive gone a good three months with out a boyfriend. I can last along time waiting for him.

ANYWAY, back to the updates, Uhm, OH! I got my nose pierced last year in June on Camryn and Kaylas birthday. Then this year on the 9th of February i got my belly pierced :) soon when i get a job im spending the first $100 for spider bites (a form of lip piercing). Camryn turned one last June. He turns Two here in 2 months. I got my Permit in January. I turn 16 here in a month and 8 days.
I baby sit for Crystal all the time now. I think Camryn's gonna grow up knowing his Aunty Sara more Than he'll know of Uncle Josh and Brandon or Grampa.
I joined ROTC, :) i am ranked Cadet Corpral. I have two cords, Sabre Team (i have an Arc for that too) and Courtesy Patrol too. I have four ribbons, uhm, one for courtesy patrol, service learning, uhm, i cant remember the othe two but im geting three new rewards this week.
One of my friends Acts like my mum now. xD its kinda funny. She gives me motherly(ish) friend advice. Its kinda nice.. Though its nothing compared to you.
Ive been looking at colleges a lot more than usual.

Thats about all the updates i can give right now. I love and miss you Momma. I wish i had been mor eof a daughter to you when you were sick. Oh i almost forgot, I go to this greiving camp thing called "Camp Hope" its nice to be surrounded by people who are goinng through the same thing. Its been a Year, three months and 17 days since you passed away... and im ok now when people do the "your mum" joke i play a little joke on them as well. but its still hard. Especially here soon. My 16th birthday is going to be hard for me to go through with out you. Especially since im going to a summer camp thing for ROTC for half of the morning of it then im going home to a house getting a happy birthday wish from Daddy and then spending the rest of it up in my room. Sigh. i miss you momma. Cant you just come back?

I love you.

--Sara

Two years left... and issues.

It is april of my sophmore year. Great right? I'm almost done with High School, great... right? Well I don't know anymore. I used to think I'm going to end up at a High School with every one that used to hate me. I also used to think i wouldnt make it to my 15th birthday and that i would've commited suicide by now.... But...
Im now at a school with no one from my elem/middle school. Im almost a Junior and i cant wait to find out whats gonna happen. Im.. some what.. utterly happy.

I don't have a boyfriend. For once in my life i don't plan to have one... Unless its the one ive been going on about lately. For reasons no one would understand because if i said i'd probably get the "You're too young to know what that is" lecture, and right now i don't want to fucking hear it...

Im in a emotional strut because MOST of my friends have gotten nothing better to say than to gawk over their recently new bf or gf and how "great" its been with them. Or how they hold hands, and kiss (or make out) or cuddle right in front of me. And how they just never wanna lose that person. I right now just want to strangle them and bash their head against the wall or floor and say, "I care that you're happy. I do. But im not in this situation. Im miserable. I DID lose the person i didnt want to lose. SO PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FIND A NEW TOPIC TO GAWK OVER!!!"
Thats what i would like to do.
But i don't.
Because im just too nice to my friends to ruin their happy-ness.

Anyway. Junior in four months. God, four months. Then I'll have only a year to go. A year. Prom next year, Road trip, weather my dad allows it or not. So much more.

Sigh, i wish my mum was here. She'd be able to help me with the issues i have right now. She would normally be the one to tell me, "Honey. Just be patient, things will eventually work out. If you two like each other as much as you say you do, he'll come back. He really likes you, well if he really does then he'll come back to you. Just hold, in there and don't let it get to you." then she'd give me the biggest hug she can manage.
She would, but she can't. And i can't handle my issues right now...

Sigh. Ive become unbearably sad right now... So ima go play Sims3

**Star**

An Army wife? HELL NO! .... Block Scheduling = Stress releiving?

I've realized soon that, i get really demandive when im in a relationship. Especially the one i was in. I also realized how in past relationships ive discouraged my bf's to go into the army or military etc.

My reason for this is, if that relationship bloomed into more then anything and we ever ended up married, i didnt want to be the wide at home while her husband was risking his life. I didnt want to get a letter or a phone call to tell me, "You're husband died fighting for what he loved." or some bull-shit like that. I don't want to try and start a family and have to raise children on my own. I don't want to have kids that sit there and ask "wheres daddy?" all the time. I just plain don't want to be heart broken. And to be perfectly honest, i think iwould probably end up getting a divorce or cheating on the guy i ever marry and decided to go into the service. I'm not kidding.
The idea of being married and have a husband that i wont ever see never appeals to me. I don't think it ever will. I want some one there to make me smile when he comes home from work. Makes me surprize dinners for no reason, even if it means we end up getting take out any way. Some one who would purprize me with a secret date for our anniversary. Stuf that would make me smile on a daily basis.
I also want the person i marry to get into small fights with me because he annoys me. Some one that can make the pain go away just by kissing me. Someone that will be there for me even when he doesnt know what to do... Some one that even when i nag at him, he still doesnt mind being with me.

Where is this all comeing from? Well im watching this show on "lifetime" Called 'Coming Home' its about people seeing there husbands, boyfriends, etc. coming home from war or stations they were deported to. And i've cried about five times now. Just thinking about.. "What if that was me? In that situation??" I'd die... And when i saw them again i'd say "Don't go back. Don't put me through this again." I'd cry the first whole day he was there again, and I'd prolly commit suicide the day he went back.


ON A DIFFERANT NOTE.... I'm tired shot less and getting ready for school for the next two weeks. I'm starting to like block scheduling. It lightens my book load and it helps with the homework prob. I mean seriously. I have gotten most all my homework done for my even/odd day classes in the two days i have to do it then the one day ive had all year. I seriously love block sheduling... kinda.
I hate that i have to figure out two times that i go to lunch in the week. And that i have 90minutes of pure torchure in some of my classes. But hey its what ever. I hate that i never see.... HIM anymore... :/
But hey. I saw HIM this weekend :)


Anyway, g'night people.

**Star**

Multy Topic/Songs

For this post I'm listening to my MP3 player now every time it changes a song while I'm typing this on my Droid I will stop press enter, even if I'm in mid sentence, and tell you what song I'm listening to. This is gonna be interesting. :)

Starting song: Here in your arms - Hellogoodbye

So the one thing I hate about after spring break is the fact that its April. Now in April when you're in school you get no days off. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zéro. Then when you get to May you all the sudden get days off again??? Shouldn't it be another way around? Dx oh well. I honestly don't care. Ok I do but. Not all that much. The one thing I'm dreading about May is finals week. The one thing I'm dreading after break is the two-three weeks of block scheduling. I don't even remember if we did that last year. I know we do it for finals

Song: Here we go again - Demi Lovato

But it kinda is annoying, cause it goes Monday regular days then odd days Tuesday and Wednesday. Even days Thursday and Friday. Dude good thing I have pottery on an even class. I would hate to end a week with chemistry. Ugh. I hate chemistry class.
So yeah. But it tends to get annoying. No days off in April but days off in the last month of school. Best part about going to burke is that its the only

Song: Hey - Michell Musso

High school that gets out a day early then the other schools in the district. I love my school on that

Song: Hey jealousy - hit the lights

Part any other time it sucks Haha ...
New subject. On the 19th is the military ball for ROTC. I'm some what freaking jutting. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm scared. Idk any so much more. I need to find something red.... preferably. Hair accessory. Haha.

Song: Higher - Creed

I also need to figure out how Ima put up my hair. I also need to figure out my friends address so my dad can pick him up. lol
Hopefully I can enjoy my break. And not worry about most. Also hopefully i will get through this Spring Break with out missing someone... Nevermind... thats not going to happen...
Anyway, Military Ball. The dress im wearing i was hoping to wear to Prom. But i dont mind it really. What i do mind is who im not going with to the Miliatary Ball.
:/......... Ok, so Today was some what cool.
I got to talk to the guy i love. I got to hang out with people after school. I wasnt in heels xD And It was just all around Fun. :D

Song: Hot - Avril Lavigne

I cannot wait for the summer! Swimming, tanning, Free time all around, lazy ness, Staying up late, Sneaking out xD, Sneaking people over, slumber parties, Staying the night at others houses, Staying Out late. Parties!!! :D
The Life of a teenager in high school. Is. Just. So. Freaking Awesome!

Song: Hot and Cold - Katy Perry

I read a book called My Most Excellent Year {C'est une fantastique libre, its a fantastic book} And i decided to do some quotes fromt he end of the book that i think relate to me :)

Song: Hotel Room - Pitbull

Part: Practically Seniors
Chapter: Augie
Quote; "I figured out in ninth grade..." (Skips some parts that dont relate to me) "I figured out that it's not just the people we love, but the people we let love us back who show us how high we can soar."

Song: How low - Ludacris

Part: Practically Seniors
Chapter: Alejandra
Quote; "In spite of what I'd brought myself up to believe, it turns out that i didn't know everything."

Song: How to Save a Life - The Frey

Quote; "It doesnt really matter what it's about. Believe me, when pushed, I can still make a big deal out of just about anything----even if it's mayonnaise."

Part: Pratically Seniors
Chapter: T.C.

Song: How you Remind Me - Nickelback

Quote; "Even though i didn't notice it while it was happening, i got reminded, in ninth grade of a few things I guess I should have known all along:
1. A first kiss after five months means more than a first kiss after five minutes
2. Always remember what it's like to be six

Song: Hypnotized - Plies Ft. Akon

3. Never, ever stop believing in magic, no matter how old you get. Because if you keep looking long enough and don't give up, sooner or later you're going to find Mary Poppins. And if you're really lucky, maybe even a Purple Balloon."

Ok maybe that last quote with number's one and three dont quite fit what im thinking of but it some what relates to a situation of mine so :P

Song: I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy

Anyhow, it's a good book. I loved it. I related mostly to T.C becaus ehe lost his mum to cancer, kinda like i did. Speaking of books. A lot of the books that authors are publishing today would have been much usefull when i wa sin middle school. Cause the books i read today are doing more

Song: I gotta feeling - Black Eyed Peas

Help with my self-esteem then the books that i had decalred my only other friends in middle school. I mean REALLY? WTF!?
My Most Excellent Year Is just one example of a book that have been helping me with my self esteem. I mean friends help too. But a book would never judge me by how i am or how i look, unlike what humans can do. Also, quite frankly its because of humans that i have such a low self esteem. So anyway. Books are quite easy to help me get related to most parts. Mainly cause i pick books with characters with problems like my own. But i dont know that i just choose books depending if the cover interests me. :)

Song: Bow Chicka Wow Wow - Mike Posner Ft. Lil Wayne

Changing subject, Music... XD
Ive realized i mostly only listen to songs that can express how i feel. Its kinda funny.

Song: Disturbia - Rihanna

And not to mention i listen to mostly love songs. Yet i hate love songs xD.
Prolly the most favorite love songs i love to listen to at the moment that i dont exactly hate, is "Mike Posner - Please Dont Go" and "Katy Perry - Teenage Dream" For reasons that SHOULD me obvious.

Song: Feel Good INC. - Gorrilaz

Sigh i dont knwo how many songs ive gone through while typing this post xD
Its prolly extrra long. So many types of topics to discuss.

O,O i had moster today!!! :D I jacked a lighter! I had fun after school! I caught up with my 30 Day Challenge Thing on FB! AND I got to Talk to the one i love :D
Today was FUCKING amazing! :D XD AND tomarrow i

Song: Fuckin' Perfect - Pink

get to drive hence forth why i am not staying after tomarrow O.o
Sad face xD
This weekend Was amazing thouh! :D I got to do somthign ive been wanting to do for a month now. :)
It was the highlight of my weekend. The second highlight was my nephew learned my name!!! He's almost two. And he says "Sawra" xD SO CUTE!
My friend Tasha made this Little skit of what it was prolly like teaching my nephew to call me "Sara" and not "Momma" (He only knew Momma around me cause i only baby sitt him on the weekends so yeah)

Song: Girl Next Door - Saving Jane
Song: Im With You - Avril Lavigne

"lol. I can see you doing that tooo. Just sitting right in his face. 'Saaaara.'
'Momma?'
'No. Sara. Saaaara. 2 syllables, four letters. SARA'
'Momma?'
'No! SARA'
..."Star?"
'WTF?! You can say star, which i never even taught you, but you can't say SARA?! I quit *angry face*'

most funniest thing i ever heard from Tasha :D

Song: Just a Dream - Nelly

Ok im going to do a quick, lines from my fave songs anf then end this post xD

Song: Liquify - The Servants

Just a dream "I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream."

Song: (xD) Me So Horny - The 2 Live Crew

Teenage Dream (The whole damn song)

Song: S&M - Rihanna

These Things I'll never say "If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If it ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care"

Grenade "Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;"

Ending Song: Sombody To Love - Usher

Haha Ok well i have more lyrics i'd like to post but this is by far the longest multiple topic ive had in ... ever. So im ending it on this note and Taking my shower now :)

**SKS/Star**

Spring atlast, daylight savings and babysitting, and other random shit i can think of to rant and ramble on about.

I am at My sisters. Watching "The Titanic" at what it seems to be 4am. Im tired shitless, but yet at the same time wide awake. It's funny how my brain works on the weekend oppose to the week day. Any how I am very excited as to the fact that it is spring at last and I can stop wearing a Damn winter coat to school soon Haha. There is also the fact that I will he turning 16 this year in May. Oh happy days. Too bad I won't be getting my licence this year, because I barely get to drive already it'll be 2013 before I get my licence Haha. But that's only because winters I won't be able to get much drive-inng practice in because my dad works late hours and goes to bed way early and I stay after school a lot and normally don't get home until 530-6 o'clock.
Anyway I love the spring its not too hot but its not all that cold either. It's not warm all that much either. It's a weird weather for me. And to me. It's, Erm, confusing to explain xP
Anyway! Tonight I guess Daylight Savings started because I was freaking out the whole time my phone seemed to have looked like it was fucking up again. I mean I'm normally asleep when it occurs so when I was awake when it happened I was like "wtf?!???" Because it went from being 1:59am to 3am I was like O.o holy shit cows what the fuck just happened? Is my phone fucking up is it being a shit head and being a dumb ass???? XD turns out no its not daylight savings just was occurring. Haha I like how I cursed at inappropriate times but it still made sense xD

Ok on a much serious note. On March 19th there's a busy busy day for the first day of spring break. First from 8am to 3pm I'm going to this Teen CERT thing for ROTC its like an emergency responce team for the school. Then when I get back home at like 4pm ill be getting ready for the Military Ball/Spring Formal because we're going to arrive early so we can sit with my friends. we're going to arrive at 630pm so that gives me two hours and a half to get my ass ready for the dance. I still havnt figured how I am to do my hair. my dad took me shoe/break shopping xD the shoe shopping was ok I went biserk cause I wanted to try on all the shoes I liked but knew we getting the first pair I tried on any how. I knew we were going to get those shoes from when I first tried them on but I've never been heel shoe shopping before so of course I wanted the expirience of being a girl in a situation much like this it was so much fun but my dad was like "C'mon now" so after 30minutes of putting on and walking around and taking off heels I finally received my dad grabbed the first pair I put on and we baught them went to eat dinner then went and baught a strapless bra for my dress. :)
so now that's that.
Oh great news for the next two year that I'm in high school my dad s subjecting me to full blown embarrassment in public. Oh I cannot wait til the date he's going on blossoms and ill show him embarrassing. >:D
Haha no I won't be that mean to the woman. But I'm not kidding
Speaking of which. If this does blossom I swear if she gets in my way of getting my
last few peircngs then all hell will break loose. Cause I wouldst care if she where to be my soon to be step mum. If she gets in any way of me getting my eyebrow and lip pierced, and I have to wait till I'm 18 to get them pierced, she will never be on my good side. And she better be prepared to work with a spawn of Satan bitch of a daughter other wise my daddy better start looking for a new woman again. But if she doesn't get in my way then :) hello new mom.
Any way... I have a huge head ache. I've been writing my book lately. I kinda tohave to Tasha won't let me if I even mention the book she's all like "O.o holy shit cakes ARE YOU NOT DONE YET!?!" but no I'm not I tell her the plot to it though like some future events that will happen. She's the onpy one that's read chapter 6 before I've typed ity up. Anyway thus all for this post. If I for got anything that I put in the title sorry. Maybe next time.

**Star**

Scary Wednesday!

Ok so most of you, if your readers from my FB, will know that i had a Panic Attack Wednesday.

Heres what happened.

Wednesday;
Morning- Woke up got ready for school broke out in hives. :/
At school i was doing fine i was ignoring the itchiness.

Bell rang. Fun begins.

I have ROTC first hour. We did formations and took attendance, we then all changed into uniform for inspections. Then after we got back into formation the class leader inpsected me and the rest of squad one. By the time he got to the second person in the second squad i started feeling naucious.
I felt like i was going to faint so i bent my knees a bit more then they were, by the time they finished squad three. My hearing kinda started to deafen and i started seeing little white spots. When we were dismissed i went to master Sargeant for a pass to the nurse. my motor skills kinda went away because i almost fell when i was walkign to get the pass.
After i got the pass and walked back to the girls little room we change in, i was going to change out of my uniform back into my regular clothes then go to the nurse. But when i entered the room to change i collapsed and i started paniking and hyperventalating. I was holding my chest and all i heard was the other girls asking "Whats wrong? Sara!? Whats wrong???" Then i heard them all scream, "Master Sargeant! Master Sargeant!!!?!!!?" then i blacked out.
I came to on a mat out of the room, i was breathing a bit less hard but still rapidly and short. The nurse came and i was breathign a bit better.
They asked if i had asthma, no.
did i eat anything to cause this, no.
Had i eaten anything that morning, no.
Is it normal not to eat anything in the morning, yes.
Can you tell me what happened?
*the whole story*
Ahh ok, do you think you can walk to the office with me or do you want to ride the wheel chair up there, ( :D WHEEL CHAIR!!!! ) i dont think i want to try walking right now.
I went up there and i layed down, i drank water, people texted me i texted back, i sucked on a mint :D, i had break fast. I missed the last 10min of 1st hour all of 2nd hour and most of 3rd hour.
I changed back into my clothes and went to my 3rd hour for the last 15min of it. :/
So thats what happened on Wednesday. This was my first ever panic attack.
Ive never had that happen to me before. And i hated it!!!!
The rest fo the day i was terrified it was going to happene again.

yesterday (March 5th 2011)
I felt like i was going to have another one at any second. And i do not know why, D:

So i now hate my life even more.


So thats it for now.

**Star**

Sigh, This would have been more helpful earlier in life...

**JUST THE BOLD = how my middle school life literally was!!!**

I wish P!NK would have wrote or sang or came out with this song earlier when i needed this type of encouragement!!!
Dx stupid bitch, anyway!!! I do love this song though, so... here are the lyrics with a video.. (if it works)





Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright

Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than fuckin' perfect
Pretty please, if you ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me....

Todays the 5th

So todays probably going to be the most depressing day out of the WHOLE month.
Today would have been four months. Todays was supposed to be a "Happy Four months Hon" and a "Happy Four months to you too"
Now its happy one month we've been broken up... :/
I guess you can say i am over him, but at the same time im not.
Theres always going to be a part of me thats going to long to be with him.
Even after ive gotten with some one new.
Though of course by then i might have a new focus in life, ahem, AKA i new guy to help distract me from him.

but again Doesnt mean i wont want to still be with him because, AGAIN there will always be some part of me that will always wanna be with him. But i try not to get guy distracted when in a relationship, thus why i like wearing somthing of theirs all the time.

For example: He gave me a bracelett with his name on it, (i would have known it was his with out the name but it helped)

ANYWAY!!!!

life is great life is grand life is hard, life is BLAND...
Ive had nothing but great remindances of the relationship i miss. Songs atleast.

lets see, Teenage Dream. A thousand Miles. So many more. I stoped listening and feel back to sleep each time.

This day is the most depressing day ever. I might just go to Kookies Party since my other option just went straight out the door thanks to his dad... :/

Anyway, thats all for this very very very depressin post.

**Star**

New Boy Rule

I now have a new guy rule. First come first serve.
What I mean is if I like more than one guy and they all like me back well the first guy that I've talked to for the longest is the first guy I'm gonna pursue.
I'm getting a wee bit tired of this "IDK WHO TO CHOOSE" type deal I have.
So far there are four guys I like three excluding one because I can't have him.
The first: kinda wins by a long shot because I've been talking to him for a while, we've been making plans to hang out and are FINALLY getting to them, and he was the first guy to make me smile the same way my ex did.
The second: isn't far behind because he actually goes to my school and I can see him everyday. And was the second guy to make me smile the same way my ex did.
The third: won't ever really catch up to the first guy only because of our age diff (3rd guy is older) and I'm not big on dating older guys right now and its nothing against HIM its just his age. Lol but because he's older I can see him during the weekends more often too.

Now a huge coincidence is from Friday to Sunday I have a day set to hang out with one of them each day.

Friday (tomorrow) I see guy number two all day at school then ill see him after school and at the school play. Haha :)
Saturday I see guy number one around 2pm at his work and I'm watching him be all awesome while he works. Then after he gets off we are gonna hang out also till idk when but sometime before 10pm Ik that much.
And guy number three I'm hanging out with on Sunday idk when till when and what we're gonna do.

So that's my weekend. Friday and Sunday are swell going to be my "catch up with math class" day too. Lol
You can tell guy number one is 'first come first served' cause I'm not dedicated math to his and mine day to hang out with each other. :)

I guess you can say when your friends brother (guy number one) and you start talking a bit. And after awhile start planning to see/meet with each other. Then before you guys even meet and see each other for the first time he agrees to going to the ROTC dance then well of course he's a first priority to fro over for a bf. Haha :)

Then well I'm not saying guys two and thee are back up guys cause Ik not a girl to go after rebound men. I'm more of a if one guy fails I'm going to get over that guy and at the same time get to know a different guy and try and make him wanna be with me.

That's more of what it is its really not that they're back-ups they're just the guys ill hope wouldn't mind waiting for me to he single is all. If not then well I guess they just ain't ever get a change to date me if they really want to.

Now I bet some are wondering, "well star. What if this rule of yours fails????" Well then I guess I'm SOL (Shit out of Luck) because then ill probably have to go in trial dates with all three to see how much I'd like to be with that guy.

Well tis all for this post ill have another up here soon.

**star**

PS. Yesterday in my first hour I had a panic attack. Details in another post sometime before the week ends.
(so details will he tomorrow Sat or Sun.)

So well, im back to my single self.

So I hate being single because there's nothing more I hate more than to know there are other guys out there. And once I realize this I tend to like more than one guy and I hate that because I would end up thinking that if into out with one the other won't like me anymore now will wanna wait to date me.

I seriously hate being single. I feel like I have to chose. I wish I was like Star Miller the main character in my book I wish I was like her. Date many guys and know right away whether or not they were boyfriend material for her or not....

I'm so sad in these situations and I feel pressured for the need to have to chose and I really don't want to have to choose. I'm completely helpless in this type of situation... please someone give me advice on this .... atleast I'm a tempting to date other people ...... sigh ..... I still need to get help on this how do j chose with out feeling like I didn't make a bad desicion I don't want it to seem like these guys are for me to chose from but actual humans that actually like Mr and possibly actually wanna be with me...

I think I'm simply dumb...


Is it bad that I still love my ex though? But I'm excepting that fact that I should move on and be happy with out the need of his help??

Ugh why is this so fucking confusing D':


I'm on the edge to tears I'm that confused.


Sigh...

That's all for now...

**Star**

Inception my own Mathematical Interpretations

They say 5min is one hour in the dream world. So kiddies, its math time on my blog. Try to keep up ^_^

5Min = 1hour

60min/5min = 12hours(min)
12hours x 24hours = 288hours
288hours/24hours = 12days in the dream in One day of reality.

12Days x 30Days = 360days in the Dream (about a year, so were going to round it to 365 making it 1year) is a month of reality.

So, 1year x 12months = 12years of dream in 1year of reality.

So lets see if Cobbs was really in LIMBO for a good 50years(dream time), that would mean he and Mal was asleep for??

50years/12years = 4.16...
What?
12years = 1year
1year = 30days

So lets try a new Mathamatical equation:

50years/365days = 0.136
Though again what?...

[Lets see if my mind can figure this out. XP (which i highly doubt will happen) this makes for an interesting post]

Ok so back to our math lesson,

SO lets go back to 50/12 = 4.16
That would make rounded to 4years of our time right? Cause we are taking Dream time divided by Dream time. So there for

Cobbs and Mal was in Limbo for a good 4years. Therfore also they wouldnt have survived in the real world unless put on a life support machine because it would be as if they were in a comma. THERFORE the damn directors should have atleast done the math for that part.

Now, lets try the whole mission they're on A dream within a Dream, Within a Dream. Same problems;

5min = 1hour
60min/5min = 12hours(min)
12hours x 24hours = 288hours
288hours/24hours = 12days in the dream in One day of reality.
12Days x 30Days = 360days in the Dream (about a year, so were going to round it to 365 making it 1year) is a month of reality.
1year x 12months = 12years of dream in 1year of reality.

10hours of (real time) flight,
12hX10h = 120h(dream Time)
120h/12h = 10days (Dream) 10d within 10h of Flight.

So they get 10days within the first dream.
The Second dream if they take 5days for the second dream;
If you treat the first dream as reality time within 5days of that dream and there are 12 days within a dream in reality time that gives them 10days more in the second dream.
And if doing the same for the third, 5days of the second dream treating it as reality time that gives them 10days more in the third dream.
(Im excluding the LIMBO part of this movie)

Therefore the directors should have done the math on that too. They said it would be 10years by the third dream era.

1st: 10days,
2nd: 5days of those first 10 = 10more days => making it a total of 20days Dream time.
3rd: 5days of those 2nd 10days = 10 more days => Making it a Total of 30days of Dream time equivalent to???

30days/12days = 2.5
(720h/288h = 2.5)
2.5 is equivalent to what? 60hours. Thats 2 and a Half Days of reality time.
Therefore the director really screw up the damn thing. XD I mean I love the movie no matter how Mathematically currupt the damn writers were, but hey Its so much fun figuring this out xD i should write this all down and lay it out for my father to see. xD He'd be all like "OWWW my head hurts im too old for this" xD

Ok so enough of the school in my blog
Im going to watch Inception again, for thr 4th time xD

Yours Truly,
**Star**

The Future

So i dont know... Im so confused now.
I want him, but in a way im only a sophmore. What if hes not "The one".
But also what if he is.
I dont want to wait to find out hes not, but i also dont want to give up and find out he was.

So confused.
I want him, but i dont.
I need him, but i dont.

Ive been thinkning about the future. I want to be a graphic designer my ultimate goal? Be apart of the Pixar animators in California. best dream ever!!!
If i wait that goal might not be acheived if i dont. i might feel horrible for not waiting,
Why do i care about this? Well every one wants to go some place differant to work.
Thus meaning this guy i kinda want to wait for wont end up the same place as me.

And how do i knwo he'd want to be there.
Im kinda of confuseing
I want to live in the country, but work in a huge city... -_-;;
very confuseing...


I have my whoel life planned through... Literally. i have a binder in my room called "My Plans HiSch & Beyond"

It goes from high School stuff to College, to my wedding, to where i want to live, to children names, floor plans of my house. etc.

Im very well planned out... Of cours ei know everything wont go according to plan and ill have to switch things around as new people (guys) come and go.
THough i guess the one thign im mainly scared about is.

I always think that i wont meet some one interesting after High school. I figure if i dont meet them in a school i wont meet them at all.

Im more terrified of dieing alone and not married with out any children, than i am about getting into college or even a job or living my dreams.

Which is probably why im holding onto this guy so much.
I do love him i do... But im a confusing mess right now...

I need some asprin...


Ill blog tomarrow (maybe)

**Star**

These are the songs on my MP3, and random songs ive been listening to, that induce me to...

Cry:
1. Over the fact that I'm single
2. When I miss the one guy we all know who I wanna be with right now (and to be honest for the rest of my life)

The list is :
1. Welcome to my life
2. I'm with you
3. These words
4. These things ill never say
5. Your love is my drug
6. Liquify
7. Your guardian angel
8. You'll always be ny baby
9. Vanilla twilight
10. Truly madly deeply
11. Upendi (lion king 2)
12. Secret Valentine
13. One in a million
14. My life would suck with put you
15. Like you
16. If we ever meet again the chorus
17. Here in your arms
18. Forever and always
19. Fall to y
20. Everytime we touch
21. Listen to your heart
So much more that I can't think of at the moment because I've done nothing but cry today because I've heard almost all to most of those songs so. Yeah......... Im a loser I knowv...

Most of you wonder why I suppress myself to this when I feel sad to almost nothing when I'm alone. This is only so because I miss him. And I can't stand that I'm not with him, no matter how reasonable his reason for the break up.
I will admitted its a bit sad that I do suppress my self to this but I can't help but to want someone so much in a way I've never wanted someone before.
First guy I've ever felt secure about. And to be honest he has every physical and emotional appearance in my dream guy.
And I'm being very honest he has the physical appearance of my DG and the personality of him too. More or less the personality still a great guy he is literally like my dream guy. And you can't let go of someone that matches everything (more or less accurately) to who I've always wanted to be with wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
And today I mostly cried only because I've realized how much I do love him and how much I want to be with him. Do you know how hard that OS for me to find a guy like that who actually wants to be with me? Extremely, super freaking hard and you know what. I hate to lose him. I know the saying "if you love something let it free" well this is one thing I don't want to let go I'm going to hold on and fight for this one thing for as long as he let's me.
If he doesn't like it then he can tell me and ill stop but if he let's me then I'm not going to huge up on getting him back into my life. I love him. And if he loves me as much as I hope he does then I sure as hell hope he won't mind me fighting to keep him in my life.

So those are the song s that induce me to crying. And they make me think of him more than any other love song.
So yeah love the list listen to the lists have fun.

**star**

somthing i didnt realize till now

Today when talking to my dad I realized that all of the things I told my now ex-boyfriend I never have told any one ever. Not my best friends not any of my other ex-boyfriends. I think thats one of my problems about our break up, I've tx him many things I've never told any one before.
Secrets that I've kept locked up for years, things that i think that if tx I'd die of embarrassment. No theyre nothing bad they're just Personal things I've never told anyone before. And no Ik not going to tell them in my blog,....... anytime soon that is. I love him that much j guess. I've told bok things that I've never been able to get off my chest since my mum died. These things made my skeptical and shy they also made me cry. There are many emotions I never knew I could feel when j was with him. There was sorrow when SOMEHOW we got onto a really sad subject or flustered when we talked about nothing but I wanted to talk but just didn't know where to start.
There was frustration when he made me think about the confusing stuff he decided to say.

I'm not going to lie there are and were times when I felt completely stupid when talking to him. But to also be very honest it just meant I had a very smart boyfriend..... for once. Haha. Any way. I can't say I always felt ok about that. I mean I'm a girl the girl HAS to be right/smart sometimes ,>_<

But again I domt care it really did mean he was smart erm IS smart. I love a man who's not only handsome but smart and knows what he wants when he finishes high school. It so meant. Sense of secure and that meant I'd last with him.... well in this case I thought.
Well then again we could have a chance to be together it just depends.
One things for sure I always thought of seeing myself married to him. I do love him bunch. And I will wait to be with him of I have to and if thats what I have to do to be with him again.

Anyway that's all for now.

**star**

love

Have you ever wondered how long you've known how to say the words "I love you."
Do you even remember when you first learned to say it back to your parents. Or when the first time you said it to someone other then your parents or family.
When I first looked up the meaning of love you get three def.:
NOUN;
1.Tender, passionate affection
2. Strong personal likeing
3. Person toward whom love is felt

When I first learned this I was happy first love and all right? It makes me mad though, how gullable guys can make girls feel.

But I don't go by the book deffinition to me the definition of love is when;
All you think of is that one person. Gravity no longer holds you down that person does. When all the hard work you do for is for them. No other person matters but them, you, and family.
The only thing that makes you extremely happy is when you know that he/she is yours. Its when you'd die for the person if that time came. But your living for that person as well.
Its when the only reason why you wake up is for them, you eat and stay healthy for them, you get everything done at/for school or work for them. You sing (horribly) in the shower because your happy to have them in your life.

Ive waited my whole life for someone like that. And that's how I feel about for one person. I don't know if its the same for him but hey ill learn how to move on... Maybe. Ill live a happy life alone if I have to. But hey I live for that person would die for them too.
Life is for him... Him only.

:| well that's all for this post... Type the name (first name only) in a comment if you think youvefound someone just like that.

**Star**

Im going to vent and get this all out Then im done with my whining.

ok so tasha bear told me to not let anything hold this back. Im going to vent.
Im getting this break up and how i really feel off my chest.
Then im done whining.

So even when i say im fine at the moment its easy to tell im not. Im miserable at the moment. Everytime i see some one holding hands with some one or getting a kiss its worse than before. I done just want to decapitate them id liek to see them explode or shredd them to pieces >:|

I also hate it when i look to my friends for support, not to talk about it but for liek a "im sorry" or a hug. Not for when i do try to explain what's happened for them to say "I know how you feel" Or "You'll find some one new, theres other guys."

Look really? No you dont. No one does. They may have gone through something liek what im going through but you dont know HOW i feel about the situation. Im differant from you. And what if i dont want any one else, what if i feel like ive found THE ONE. The one guy i know who'll treat me right with out even trying. What if for once i can see my self growing old with this guy, getting married, spending my life with him? What if i do? I dont want to go off and "find" some one else or "meet some one new"
No i dont. SO stop sugesting i will. because for once in my life. I dont want another bf, i dont want to find some one else.
I want this guy. Ive had my share of crappy relationships. Up until last week our relationship was JUST FINE!!!
I mean it was wasnt it? i was happy i think he was too.

Sigh any way. He has good reasons and i would like to just tell him that maybe we can stay together and just hang out? I mean he doesnt have to sweat the skin off his body just to make me happy. Just knowing he's mine and i can go up to people and tell them hes mine. Im ok with that. That's happy making enough... I just wish he knew that... I guess thats why im venting.
Cause i dont want to cause trouble with him having to feel guilty for doing somethign that makes his life easier, for now.
Not to mention how mucch more awkward it would get when or if i told him. So... i dont know.

I guess thinking that he would want the same thing as i do is why this is so much more harder for me? I guess maybe making it seem like i need ot be baught things or taken places made this desicion of his so much easy. I guess the only reason why i did that was because i wasnt in very many great relationships that i grew up with thats what a good bf does. but then being with him was all i needed.

I was satisfied with what i had.

I feel like im the reason why he broke up with me now... I guess this is why i never wanted to vent this in the first place. I didnt want to end up blaming myself for everything.

Sigh, im bad at venting. All im saying is, stop telling me that theres some one new out there for me. i dont want some one new. i want him. Only him.
he was just perfect for me. I saw myself growing old with him spending the rest of my life with him. I was hopeing maybe that would have kept us together, i mean he was looking for some one like that.. I was looking for some one to finally make me happy with out trying.

My thoughts on this break up still remains in his hands. If he wants me ill be waiting, if he doesnt then, well i guess ive gained a really great friend...

Sigh... So im done venting ill stop ermm ill try to stop being so depressed.

((no promises on valentines day though...))

Thats all.

**Star**

Feelings ~>:| Frustratingly hard to tell

Sunday, i thought maybe it was space he needed.
Monday i thought it was a dream.
Today, i feel like shit for thinking i still had a bf to say I love you too in the morning and before i went to bed.

As much as i know and understand his reasonings....
I miss him...





You know. How am i supposed to write my blogs and express how i feel with out getting every one on my case!? UGH! And with out getting him feeling guilty when he has nothing to feel guilty for. Or making him feel like an ass... UGH!


Can i die now? I mean. i rather die. Just die.
Right now.
Die.
Burn to death.
Drown.
Suffocate.
Suicide.

ANYTHING...
These blogs are supposed to help me with my problem wiht keeping everything bottled up but that doesnt help when all i want to do now is keep this to myself... >:|
I hate today...
I managed to not cry when i woke up, Not cry when i took my shower and a love song came on. Not cry when my MP3 played love songs on the way to school. Not cry when i saw him. Not cry when people talked about their relationships. Not cry when some one tries comforting me. Not cry when i saw the damn table selling plush toys to give to your loved ones on Valentines day (atleast i keep five dollars in my wallet this month) I also managed not to cry when my idiot of a friend AD wouldnt SHUT THE FUCK UP when i finally found the curage to talk to ... him. I didnt even cry when everyone kept talking about him to me....

But i did cry when he asked for the braclett back... Well i mean, i guess i shoould ahve expected it... but... i didnt want that to come. I love the bracelette. I havnt taken it off since i got it... Erm i took it off twice but only because i "needed" to for ROTC soon i just gave up on taking it off.
3 months its been on my wrist. Now... Its going to feel... like i literally have lost everything.

SIgh i need to stop careing so much...
Its just a braclett.... with his name on it. That i havnt taken off since he gave it to me... For 3 months.

Have i mentioned yet that i feel like i have a curse. That soemthing always goes wrong one my end or the guys end of the reationship before or after 3months together....

:/ Am i being dumb? His reasonings are good. We arnt like, NOT, speaking... He's still in my life. And the most releiving fact is that he isnt breaking up with me because he didnt love me..
Mostly with any other person.... id hate the guy.
But, i cant do that. Not with him. I think it'd hurt me more than it would him if i did.



The one thing i hate is when my dad found out today... Because i was asking to hang out with a guy friends house tomarrow with other friends but i needed a ride home, he says, "Wow, already moving on? Isnt it that too soon?" i almost punched my own dad in the face for saying that. No i havnt moved on. I dont want to move on. I dont think i can move on.
When you TRULY fall in love and you know its real... you dont want to do anything. You exsist for that person and you. You may worry about other things but having them in yourlife is im portant just as much,

I mean i still worry about weather or not ill get into college or if ill pass my ... junior year ((i have 25 credits, you need 24 to be concidered a junior)), I worry about how things will turn out for me in the future.
but to exsist is to live for that person. If i could rewind the clock id stop myself from fighting. Id stop myself from asking for so many things.

Sigh... I think maybe im a bit too in love... If thats possible.
Ok no i dont think thats possible and no i dont think im too inlove....
I think im just sad. Sad that i cant talk to him and when some one asks i can say, "hes mine" Sad that i cant look forward to future things to do with him. Even if our plan of doing somehing turns into just sitting on the couch/bed watching tv.
Sad that now that i have a use for the dress he bought me im going to have to endure it alone.


Oh, yea, um January 31st we had a fight over prom. One thing i said out of irritation was "What am i going to do with the dress? i guess ill just have to put it away with the other dresses ill never get to wear..."
I told him im sorry about the whole fight we had... And uhm later the week i found a reason to use the dress. I was goign to Ask him if he'd like to go to the Military Ball with me... I mean he wouldnt HAVE to but it wouldve been nice to get to ask him... Now if i ask him, i think it would be odd.

OK so befor ei find something to make myself cry over im going to shut the hell up and post this damn thing.

**Star**

Even when ive finally won. Ive lost everything.

Even when ive finally won. Ive lost everything.

Well atleast that what i feel like right now.
Those of you who dont know, good.
Those four of you who do know, try to make me smile when i DONT want to smile i might rip your head off :)


It's officiall i have a curse.
Never made it past 3 months.
Never spent a valentines day with any one.

Cant find the words to write this stupid blog.

Recipe Book. A Project Left for it self to build :)

Ok so im making a recipe book from recipes i find online.
it will rang from.
Breakfast Meals, to br-unch, to lunch, to snacks, to dinner, to desserts, to late night snacks/drinks, to beverages, to early morning snacks.
Healthy to Fattening.
Elegant to Random.
Gourmet to sloppy.
Delicate to freaking WOW!

Yummy to DELICIOUS!!!!

XD Any way my job for my readers today is. Look up recipes online for me to look at if the dish sounds good but the website resource doesnt work Ill look it up. Who knows i just night even add the online recipes from your suggestion of a dish into the book :)
Or you can basically just gimme recipes to look up!!! :D i mean the name of the dish XD

Perferabley this is the one time im ok when you comment the link i give in my FB page but is till HIGHLY RECOMMEND TO COMMENT in my blog !!! please thank you! :D

Yummy Good Day!
**star**

Poem Poll and QUOTES!

Minute by Minute. Hour by Hour. Day by Day. My love grows.
Hour by Hour. Day By Day. Week by Week. My love for you never ends.
Day by Day. Week by Week. Month by Month. My love for you is stronger.
Week by Week. Month by Month. Year by Year. My love for your never falters.
Month By Month. Year by Year. Decade by Decade. My love seems to never fail.
Year by Year. Decade by Decade. Century by Century. My love for you is full of wonders.
Decade by Decade. Century by Century. Milenium by Milenium. My love for you just gets bigger and bigger.
But by Eterny's end. My love for you seems to go on forever.

:) "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; Therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."

New poll up! How many Of my readers think that Love is blind?
Im not telling you MY answer. Because im not going to vote in this poll this time.
I'm sorry yes i know sad xD but hey All is fair in Love and War :)
Life love bliss. Today is full of my own Petit quotes. :)

Dont forget to Vote!!

Much love this Comming month!!!

**Star**

Shakespearian Speak.

So im reading this book my lovely Random friend had suggested to me. A great book. GREAT!

I oh so love this one quote they have in it from Romeo&Juliet 'Good night! Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that i should say good night till it be marrow'
I have that one memorized i didnt even have to look at the quote nor even double check. Im that sure.
Another one i love is
'Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mine; And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind' I sent that one to my bf =3

Those by far are my favorite. Well this is by far my shortest blog post ever.
'Cause its my bed time. 'Good Night! Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that i should say good night till it be marrow.' hehehehe

Ok nighty night readers.

Yours every Post,
**Star**

Nightmares.

Normally i would sit here and tell you what the nightmare was about. but they're pretty fucked up...

So lets not have me do that.... Lets just say... it involves me my bf and well death... instantly a fucked up nightmare...

So instead what ima do is i will say some old nightmares that ive had.
Ok so no i wont. I'm going to say some of the things that i've had nightmares err daymares? about ok basically talking about my demented imagination when i can imagine something happening.


-One time i imagined a huge box full of like 20,000,000lbs things dropping on the heads of two people holding hands in this one aisle of a store.
-Everyday when im at school i always imagine some crazy ass student will walk in in a trench coat and sport a huge shot gun and we'd all be in lock down.
-Half the time when some one doesnt reply to a text message for 15min. or more instead of thinking they're busy or distracted i imagine them being kidnapped, or murdered then when they text back im half tempted to ask so are you hurt?
-When i draw i repress the urge to draw a completely gory scene.
-I once had a nightmare where i was in a horrible remake of friday the 13th and me and whomever i was dateing (or had a crush on) then were running to saftey when a knife or machette just was split throuigh his torso as we reached the main roasd adn i spun on my heel looked down and started backing intot he street crying at the look and then next thing you knwo im 2 seconds away from being run over by a huge semi. >..>

Ok yeah thats enough im going to get nightmares again tonight if i continue. >..<


SO good nigth people.


--**Star**--

Three projects for ONE!!!

Project one:
Write Make it or Break it Chapters continuous, errr, until end. Haha!

Project Two:
Write/Draw my Music video on paper, Wil post new photos up later, O.o
xD

Project Three:
Draw each pokemon in my own lil way :D Will make a realll FAST youtube video when im done, IF and WHEN im done. I will make one photo each night and Post each Done picture i make before a new blog. So for example. If i do one tonight then one every night after this post and i dont post for like 10days i will post 10 done pictures. Or 9 depending if the night of the blog's picture is done. :P

Well thats all Goign to bed now.

--**Star**--

Dont do something to some one unless you would like it to happen to you.

SO have you readers ever seen those commercials where they always end it by saying something like "Its a thin line between fun and Forever" or "Its a thin line between love and controlling" and normally they have a teen explain the situation.

Well Its called the "A Thin Line" commercials. Thy talk about dating abuse, digital direspect, sexting, and cruelty.

Well heres my story. From growing up i havnt exactly grown up with full emotional support. Kindergarden, YES FUCKING KINDERGARDEN, i was picked on. No not the play gorund bully way, it was some really hard core shit that you woouldnt think a kindergardener would ever have the feelings to hate some one so much. There was this girl. ((Since i havnt got any concent to use name ill keep ASIA QUALLS anonnymous. :P)) And she didnt exactly like me. I had this bestfriend ((again no consent so JASMIN WEIHE will be anonnymous)) she was a great friend. I could talk to her about anything. She was my first ever best friend... I stayed over at her house she stayed over at mine. ASIA never liked me. I dont know why. She constantly made up lies about me, and because i never really knew what the teacher was talkign about the teacher believed HER ove rme becaus ei was always smileing and for some reason she was a convincing crier. 1st ans 2nd grade i was sent to the PAC room ALOT thanks to ASIA. She liked to torment me until i lost my temper and started yelling back then the water works came and she got the teacher on her side you know what i'd hear? "Go to the PAC room." You'd think that hearing the insults "Your stupid" or "your ugly" wouldnt affect a 6-7year old. But they did. Whenyou heard the same insult for about 3-9years of your life, with additional insults as the years passed, for 8 hours every day 5 days a week, and 10 months a year. They start to stick. They start to really affect how some one looks at them selves. They start to make an mental impression, an emotional scar.
By 3rd grade i have been LITERALLY spit on by ASIA and her friends, called a racist to mexicans.. er well Latinos in general. Soon i had no friends to back me up, no one to talk to. By 5th grade. My so called best friend ditched me for this girl ((no consent so KAITLIN will be anonnymous)) she started dressing sluttier, and more make up that made her look like a drag queen, she started insulting me when KAITLIN did, and soon i started having peopel soem up to me and asking me if what JASMIN and KAITLIN said here true. NO IT WASNT now dont ask.!
Now i did make a new friend in 5th grade, the first one ive had since.. well for 6 years i pretty much didnt really have any friends. Kayla was my first friend ever. It soon was later that i realized the guy i was crushing on was Kaylas brother. And she has openly admitted that i was annoying to her and she didnt like me very much... And i alwasy explain that what do you expect when a girl has been emotionally scarred and insulted for a long time. When i knew Kayla had finally softened up around me i became well like a duckling who follows there mother every where. Kayla made me feel good. She made me realize that not eveyr one can be cruel.
In 7th grade me and Kayla were in my standards best friends. Her family had become my second family. They were there just as fast as kayla was. Im not saying that the insulsts stopped there.
Once peopel found out as they got older what some words meant i wasnt called Ugly or stupid any more. i was called:
-Ugly as fuck
-the most retarted person they've known
-A back stabbing bitch
-A slutty skank
-A whore
-A friendless hobo (you know because my family was poor)
-A stuck up nerd
And the list goes on for ever.
I normally wouldtn openly admitt this. But In 8th grade things changed for the worse, i almost lost Kayla either, in 7th grade still or 8th grade year.. (i think 8th grade) Im not going to detail on that, I didnt loose her fully though. I was jumpped many times that year because i was supposevly always talkign behind peoples back and callign then bitches and whores, and slutts and skanks, and all that... Now befor ei finish this id like to ask "WHY THE HELL WOULD SOME ONE LIKE ME SIT HERE AND CALL THE PEOPLE,, WHO HAVE BEEN TORMENTING ME FOR EVER CALLING ME those NAMES,, A SKANK, WHORE, BITCH. etc??"
The second and Last time of the year i got jumped the girl ((who again in no consent BRITTANY DIAMOND will stay anonnymous)) said i wanted to get into a fight with her "home girl" ((ROBIN will be anonnymous)) and that because of me [really was her fault for sending me the damn threating voice message] she got suspended. She got grounded for getting suspended. So she wanted to beat me up,, also because ive been callign her a bitch and a slutt and a skanky whore and a easy target to have sex with behind HER back.. Do i have to repeat the question i just asked?
So thats my story, ive been emotionally scarred for life. I still wonder if what i look like is beautiful or ugly. I can still point out my flaws and say all the things my bf would say are beautiful about me.

I think from being called dumb, stupid and all those names i have mentally made myself beleive that i am dumb, so when i work hard in school its not because it'll help me get an A but because i litterally need to work hard or i wont get it at all. I will literally be dumb in that. It sticks once i get it. But it wont stick for long.

And when ti comes ot my looks. Well its a no brainer there. I feel about just as ugly as i feel. They way i dress low cut shirts, short skirts/shorts. TIght jeans. They're just anything to get people from staring at my face. Not becaus ei want attention at those parts. I just dont want people looking at my face. Which is why i like when my hair is in my face.

So theres my story, dont pick on some one when yoou dont know why you dont like them you just dont like them, dont make them feel bad because once its told to some one for years everyday 5 days, 10 months a year 9 years of their life for even one or two years, It really sticks. Up until the start of the summer before freshman year i started ot believe i was a whore. Or a slut. Not because i slept with any one, but because i was going through 5-8 boyfriends a year. it gradually went down to 6 a school year. then 4... Now ive mad eit to a all time 3 so far. And the third one is making me happy. And doubt we'll break up.. I actually beleive (and i still do) that i am ugly. I still try to find ways that would make ME feel beautiful.
As much as i love to hear people call me beautiful, pretty, or cute, i dont beleive them. But i fish for those compliments. Because i know some day ill believe it, just as long as i have people who can constantly say this to me. Make me feel good. Make me feel great. Make me Feel like i matter...

Whats your story, or whats a story you know? Feel like you need to tell your story. Feel heard. Go to they give you a page that you can tell them your story. Tell them what you think should be done. Or what you know have happened to some one.

My advice to every one. Dont make fun of some one, and make them feel bad. Just how much do you think you'd feel if it was you in their shoes? And dont say you wouldnt care!? Because thats the exact line i'd used from 4th grade all the way up to 8th grade. Even when i had gotten jumped. I said i didnt care. But deep down it hurt so much to know, someone , who i barely ever talked to, hated me so much...

So dont pick on people you dont know ANYTHIGN about. 'Caus emaybe just one day you'll be working for that same person. Or you'll be the reason why they commit suicide or the reason why theres a shooting at your school. Or even the reason why you're dead, your friends are dead, and that person is in jail. Emotional affects like this can scar people for ever.

Im a prime mental example.


Think before you speak. And if what you think about isnt very smart or nice. Keep it to yourself. Jokeing has its borders. And theres a thin line between I was just kidding and i really mean it

--Star

First Post of the year.

Ya know what? Next year for new years eve Im hanging out with my boyfriend, and we ARE going to kiss at 11:59 and it WONT end until 12:01 so that way i have a pefect ending a great beginning. :) Yes, i did indeed just steal that from a FB like. but hey its what this girl wants. And hopefully its what this girl is going to get :)

Anyway. One semester down. 100 post acheived. 1.5 years done 2.5 years to go. What i mean by that is freshman and 1/2 of sophmor eyear is over. I only have four more months till sophmore year is over and i will be a soon to be Junior. Then a Senior. Then id be goign to Metro for general studies for college. Then id be going to the Creative Center for my bachelors degree in Graphic art. Im almost out of high school people?!

My boyfriend is almost about to graduate. In which i am signing his year book xD.. Im going to prom this year. And again in two years for my senior year.
God, two years and im done with high school, then im off to college.
You know theres a good feeling when you have to end the school year finally. But a great feeling when it starts back up.

Its not goignt o be easy sitting in those seats on graduation day. Listening to everyone speak then having our names called. Saying good bye isnt goign to be easy, especially for me. :/ I mean i only JUST started my life. And its already almost over? WHAT THE HELL!?

Any way, me and my boyfriend are going strong. :P
Even though he'll be graduating this year and my dad hasnt exactly chewed my head off about dateing a senior yet. And that he might be getting a full time job after he graduates and will be going to college... Well we might not see eachother as much as i'd like but hey we'll manage. Haha

So anyway last year my BFF was Ceirra.. Some how me and her dont exactly talk any more? I do not know why!! But Im managing to try and hang out wiht her BUT she has a job and i dont know when she is available. And when ever i text her it doesnt exactly last as long as i hope? So this year my BFF is Tasha. Me and Ceirra talk and when we do it sliek we're BFF still, and we are but not as close. I guess.

So me and my boyfriend. Who by the way wil still always remain unknown in my blogs xD... Even though i think every one knows who he is. Any way. We finally crossed off one item of things to do on our list of things to do. We walked around downtown last night, last 2 hours before we were frozen, so we're going to go again in spring xD But we visited 3 stores. So we only fully walked around for a good 10minutes total and spent a good 1 hour and 50 minutes in those stores xD but the first store we visited. It was like going back intime. Seeing all these old things. It was so cool, and he bought me a star necklace :) SO far every boyfriend, except for three, that ive had the past year has gotten me a star necklace. But i think this one is my faveorite. :) kinda. I mean the one that broke at my sisters house was my favorite. NOT because of WHO gave it to me, but because of how small and cute it is. plus i could actually lift it and put it in my mouth!? xD sorry but its a bad habit of mine. If its around my neck and it wont break when i chew on it, then it will be put in my mouth. If i can get it in my mouth. LOL Oh not to mention that the star was a diamond. Not metal around stud diamonds. but anyway i do love his necklace he bought me. It really does make me just as happy. :))
THe second store i was freake dout by a lot of the halloween looking props O.e
And the third store. I am so going back for some of those books, games, sketchbooks, calenders, toys, and so much more lol xP

Overall going back to school was great and i am glad to be back. Though just means even more reasons why me and my boyfriend arnt hanging out most days. Not to mention how much i am NOT likeing his father. I mean a curfew... When your a senior?! I mean yes i have a curfew as to when i should be home BUT thats because I AM A SOPHMORE. I mean if i was a senior i probably would just lie to my dad and say im at a friends house working on a project. LOL
Still a 10pm curfew? My brother didnt even have that, it was be home around 1am. Well i started an honors class this semester. Great right? I mean great when appliying for scholarships and so on.Not to mention it looks GREAT when applying for a job too xD

SIMS 3: My bf has let me borrow the game right? I made an new game in it and it is fun Like extremely fun. I made 2 sims, me and him. Im onyl ONE day into it and me and his sim are already bf/gf and he alreayd wants to propose >..< they're onyl young adults XP wtf!? Im waiting till they both become adults lol So that way they both can THEN get married LOL After i make them woo xD jk

Anyway thats all for this post... This long ASS post.
Till next time.

Yours,
Star